“Hello. Thank you, Jay. Thank you. I’m so happy to get to be here. This is a thrill of a lifetime really. And Alaska, being so different from Los Angeles. Here when people have a frozen look on their face, I find out it’s Botox.” – Sarah Palin (on Jay Leno’s show)
“I’ve been really busy. I picked up a gig in Las Vegas at the Legends show, playing Tina Fey.” – Sarah Palin (on Jay Leno’s show)
“I love the biathlon. That’s the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, ‘date night.'” – Jay Leno
“Did you guys watch the season finale of ‘The Bachelor’ last night? Well, fans are not happy that Jake proposed to Vienna instead of Tenley. Yeah, people are very angry that he picked a lady that nobody really likes. And then John McCain was like, ‘Hey, it happens.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today, the White House announced a contest for high schools to have President Obama speak at their graduation. It’s really exciting, because so far, Obama has only given speeches at 70% of the nation’s high schools.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” – Jay Leno
“Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama yesterday had his annual physical. Annual checkup. Apparently everything is all right. Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney went in for his annual autopsy.” – David Letterman
“But Obama’s physical turned out great. The doctor said a couple of things. He said: ‘Cut out the cigarettes. Also, try to stay out of Toyotas.'” – David Letterman
“You guys been following this recall stuff? It’s getting totally out of hand. Now the Obama administration might require all cars to have an override system in case the brake pedal doesn’t work. Personally, I like the old override system — a tree.” – Jimmy Fallon
“More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas.” – Jay Leno
“Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He’s saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don’t get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman
“And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It’s called ‘What Would Dick Cheney Do?'” – Jay Leno
“You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. When he gets out here, if he looks familiar, you may have seen him on ‘The Young and the Restless.’ He plays Tyler Cavanaugh IV. True story.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he’s like that new senator from Massachusetts. He’s like Scott Brown, but with pants.” – David Letterman
“People magazine has confirmed that former President Clinton called Tiger Woods to offer his support during the ordeal. For real. They have things in common, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a nice thing to do, a nice gesture between two, you know, kindred spirits. It actually reminds me of the time President Bush called Homer Simpson after Homer stapled his face to a doughnut.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t know which conversation I would rather hear, Bill and Tiger or Elin and Hillary on the phone together.” – Jimmy Kimmel
