[I’m reposting this for Centrist Zealot — check them out.]
President Barack Obama, using a surgical technique first performed by Franklin Roosevelt and later perfected by Lyndon Johnson, forcibly attached a pair of testicles to the Democratic Party yesterday. The operation, which took an agonizing 15 months and much of the nation’s patience, was labeled a success by Surgeon General Regina Benjamin.
“Wow, these feel really strange” the patient reportedly uttered upon leaving the operating room.
The patient was later admitted to the intensive care unit. It is currently unclear how long the Party will remain there. Republican physician John Boehner told family members he “hopes to keep the patient sedated and quarantined until at least November of this year.”
Obama was assisted by Vice-President Joe Biden during the surgery. Sources tell the CZ at one point during the operation the patient tried to leave the room declaring, “I’m feeling much better. Really, I am. Thanks anyway. Look behind you. … Big Foot.”
The 218-year-old Party lost their collective balls in 2002 during the months leading up to the second Gulf War. Doctors are still unsure if the patient’s caucus will reject the transplant, which can cause the balls to shrivel up and recede into the Party’s lower chamber.
This is the second attempt at the tricky testicle transplant by the Democratic Party since 2002. The prior attempt was scheduled for November of 2004, but the party cancelled the appointment deciding to go wind surfing instead.