“This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there’s nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?’ There’s never been a WWII movie that didn’t include the line, `Show me your papers.’ It’s their catchphrase. Every time someone says `Show me your papers,’ Hitler’s family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that’s fascism. I know, I know, it’s a dry fascism, but it’s still fascism.” – Seth Meyers
“Arizona’s Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed.” – Bill Maher
“The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves teabaggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can’t even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it’s like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage.” – Bill Maher
“One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.” – Jay Leno
“New Rule: Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don’t think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.” – Jay Leno
“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty … He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.'” – Bill Maher
“Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. Don’t worry, he’s getting his own show on TBS.” – David Letterman
“New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty. 90% of Washington D.C.’s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I’d order a wine cooler.” – Bill Maher
