“Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s a weather update from Florida. This week’s Koran smoke advisory has been lifted. That crazy pastor, remember he was going to burn the Koran, he’s now suspended it. … He said he’s now looking for directions from God on where to go. You know, I can’t speak for God, but I think if he grabs a shovel and starts digging, he’s heading in the right direction.” – Jay Leno

“On his way to Asia, Gov. Schwarzenegger posted a picture of himself saying that he was flying over Alaska but couldn’t see Russia anywhere. Not only is Schwarzenegger a fellow Republican, but Sarah Palin had a ‘Conan the Barbarian’ poster on the wall of her igloo.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin’s made-up word ‘refudiate’ was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin’s supporters couldn’t find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This whole thing with Iran, it’s amazing how different our cultures are. In Iran a woman can get stoned for committing adultery. See, here in America, women commit adultery while getting stoned.” – Jay Leno

“According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren’t enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren’t there are needed to spend money we don’t have to create jobs that don’t exist.” – Jay Leno

“It was reported that President Obama wasn’t wearing his wedding ring at a press conference. I guess that makes the press conference the second-most difficult speech he’ll give this week.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Atlantic had a big article on the inevitability of Israel going to war with Iran over building nuclear weapons. But he White House thinks that strong economic sanctions will bring them to their knees, raise unemployment, and cause their factories to close – the same way those economic sanctions worked right here.” – Jay Leno

“Have you [MSNBC] learned nothing from Fox? You pick your narrative and you stick with it — and if the news doesn’t fit your narrative, change your f*cking news.” – Jon Stewart

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