“Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail and everybody wants to interview him. Barbara Walters wants to know if he’s a lesbian. Today in the holiday spirit he leaked 200 letters to Santa.” – David Letterman
“Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying ‘Some things are supposed to be private.'” – Conan O’Brien
“You wouldn’t know it in Los Angeles, but it’s freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don’t know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Do you believe those numbers all across the country? Five in Iowa, 13 in Wisconsin, 22 in Washington. And that’s just President Obama’s approval ratings.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he’s kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn’t we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don’t have hills?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he’s recovering. Good luck, that’s what he said about the economy.” – Jay Leno
“Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.” – Jay Leno
