“Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker.” – Jay Leno
“The theme of President Obama’s State of the Union address was ‘Win the Future.’ It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of ‘Top Chef.'” – Conan O’Brien
“He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times. I’d settle on tying the future. I don’t like to get greedy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he’s just being overly sensitive about his ears.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki’s older sister.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama gave the annual State of the Union address last night. I learn something new at these every year. Like, did you know that East Virginia isn’t a state?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own state of the union address under their breath.” – Jon Stewart
“Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote.” – Jay Leno
“Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.” – Conan O’Brien
“A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: ‘Cover-Your-Facebook.'” – Jay Leno
“The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a ‘Day of Rage.’ Or as it’s known in the Middle East, ‘Tuesday.'” – Conan O’Brien
