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Late Night Political Humor

“The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it’s a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal or the next cast of Survivor? ‘Survivor: Weiner Island.'” – Craig Ferguson

“He said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls in three years and no sex. You know what I call that? High school.” – Jay Leno

“Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I’d hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman.” – Craig Ferguson

“It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, ‘I don’t know.'” – Conan O’Brien

“But I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down?’ It’s reverse world!” – Craig Ferguson

“How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week.” – David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. You see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.” – Jay Leno

“A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they’re very short messages. Like cocktail wieners.” – Jay Leno

“This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door … Now they send it right to your house.” – Jay Leno

“Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Weiner’s beautiful wife Huma – she’s a beautiful woman if you’ve seen her – she is an aide for Hillary Clinton. I guess Hillary called Huma to console her while Anthony Weiner got a call from Bill going ‘Yeah!'” – Jay Leno

“Despite the scandal, Weiner will not resign, saying he hasn’t done anything illegal and this is not the most embarrassing photo of him that has ever surfaced. That would be his senior portrait from high school. Weiner’s high school portrait was taken at one of the rare moments when he wasn’t being stuffed into the garbage can.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno.” – David Letterman

“Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure.” – David Letterman

“A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‘Uh oh.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Moammar Gaddafi said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me.” – Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Moammar Gadhafi who is 60 years old. He had a big party and was visited by his lovely nieces, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Gadhafi.” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, ‘What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?'” – Jay Leno

“When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won’t even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, ‘No, my hair is fine.'” – Jay Leno

“Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn’t spent the money on the new birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, ‘So it looks like they do want to start a family.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The USDA has done away with the food pyramid. It didn’t work anyway. Ever since they came out with it, Americans have turned into food pyramids.” – Jay Leno

“The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.” – Conan O’Brien