“Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn’t want to return to his old life of panning for gold.” – David Letterman
“A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating is above 50 percent for the first time since last May. Obama made sure to thank the people who made that possible — Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler’s List.’” – Conan O’Brien
“This Mega Millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket.” – Jay Leno
“What do you think your odds are of winning that jackpot? The last odds I checked, 176 million to 1. But then again, still better odds than Newt Gingrich getting the nomination.” –Jay Leno
“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, ‘Jelly Belly Factory’ was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.” – David Letterman
“I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He’s starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday Joe Biden thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-sprite.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world’s most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow.” – Jay Leno
