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Mitt n’ Mike

[This is from one of our regular readers. It is a follow-up from an earlier post.]

From: The Office of Mike Lee, Chocowinity, NC

To: Mr. Mitt Romney, Campaign Trail 2012

Dear Mitt,

I have not heard from you yet but I’m sure you are very busy on the campaign trail. I imagine just tying everything down to the campaign bus roof must take up quite a bit of your time. In the meanwhile, I have spoken to a couple of people at your campaign office but they apparently thought I was just “ridiculous”.

So, I want to take this opportunity to personally let you know that I continue to have a genuine interest in being your first mate. I would like to remind you that I am an idea man and would like to pass along a few of my ideas that might tip the scales in my favor.

I’ve been thinking about the relevant issues of the day; the kind that might come up in a debate.

Border Security

Now, this is exactly the kind of issue that you need someone who thinks half in the bag, or outside the box or whatever. Let’s take the Mexican border for an example. Politicians keep trying to make this “our” problem. I say, let’s turn it around and make it Mexico’s problem. We call up President Calderon and say:

“Hey, Senor, you keep your people on your side or else. Kapeesh? Build a wall, post guards, do whatever you need to do…this is your only warning”.

If we still have problems, if they don’t comply, we just move the border south, change the name, and we have the 51st State – Mittseco. Problem solved.

Next up: Guatemala? Its Mitt calling!


This problem is one of ideology. We just don’t understand one another. When this happens in my neighborhood, we have a cookout. Has anyone thought to invite them over for a barbeque? They might just be offended or something.

Texans know how to have a serious cookout and take care of business when necessary so it’s an ideal spot. We could do it up big; really impress them.

For starters, we ask Paula Dean to handle the menu and cooking. Even if the terrorists are still unhappy, they’ll be moving a lot slower and they’ll need to use “the facilities”. I see opportunities for TSA to make a profit. Pay to poop or pee n’ pay.

For entertainment, we enlist Lyle Lovett to do “You’re not from Texas but Texas wants you anyway”. I’m sure the IRS could get Willie Nelson to chip in. ZZ-Top could show them we’re not so different after all. And our feature act should be Ted Nugent. Don’t worry, Mitt. It won’t be that expensive. We’ll find other jobs for our entertainers to do so it won’t cost us much.

For example, Willie could handle the relaxation committee. I’ll have him coordinate with Paula to make sure we have Cheese Doodles. And I know Ted wouldn’t mind handling security – although this is Texas so I’m pretty sure that will be handled on its own. ZZ-Top could give them rides in that really cool car. And parasailing…definitely parasailing.

We’ll get Rick Perry to handle the comedy. I think GWB might be available. And maybe that Blue Comedy guy with the kid named “poot”…but we’ll leave that up to Rick.

We could have three legged races – no sacks. Just make sure to tell the guy at the starting booth that you want to be one of the “two legged” racers.

Imagine dunking booths and Blue Angel fly overs…we could leave a real impression. Make it a day they won’t forget.

And we could set up a table to sign them up for timeshare visits to “Mittsico Towers: Upscale Living for the Upwardly Mobile Terrorist” and “Mittsico Acres for the Retiring Terrorist”.

If, at the end of the day, they still don’t see eye to eye with us, Paula will have slowed them down enough for Ted to take care of business. Another Mitt win-win.

Next up: Gaza strip square dances

U.S. Economy

Now, Mitt, this is one that you’re going to have to fake for the most part. Let’s be honest: We all know it’s a crapshoot. But you can be the guy that looks like he means business. “How”, you ask? I’ll tell you: Hire me.

Sure, you could get yourself a “Governor” or a “Senator” or a “Qualified Guy”. But, let’s face it, they all already have jobs. So you’re just giving a better job to somebody who already has a job. With me, you’re making an immediate and tangible impact on the unemployment roll.

Bring me on the ticket and you can look Obama straight in the face during the debate and say “Oh, yea…well I’m putting a guy to work who’s basically unemployable! What you got, Nancy?” America will love you and relate to you like they never have and probably never will again.

I have a lot more, Mitt, but I think it best for us to meet one on one to discuss my other ideas. My people are telling me I shouldn’t give the milk away for free and, quite frankly, I’m getting tired of them calling me a cow. I’m home most of the time so don’t worry about just dropping in. And I have extra bungee cords if you need them.

Call me,


P.S. In case you lost my letter of qualifications, or your dog is using it to keep warm, you can find it here:

Mitt n’ Mike 2012
A New Day’s Comin’



  1. Dan wrote:

    Ha! This is the second time this week I’ve read about annexing Mexico! I had that idea back in 1980 when the USSR invaded Afghanistan. Boycott the Olympics? Nonsense, invade Mexico, kill two birds with one stone, increase domestic oil supply and avert immigration problem. Their corn would be subsidized like ours and would be dumped somewhere else (thank you WTO), problem solved. Back in 1980 no one listened, now it’s becoming the soupe du jour.

    Thursday, June 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm | Permalink
  2. David Freeman wrote:

    Actually, I’d prefer to move the border in the other direction. We’d be better off without Texas dumbing down our politics and our text books.

    I would miss Austin though.

    Friday, June 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm | Permalink
  3. Don wrote:

    I’m with David Freeman, as long as we don’t use the original border of Texas and only include the parts that are in the states of Oklahoma and Texas. “>D

    Friday, June 22, 2012 at 10:14 pm | Permalink