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Late Night Political Humor

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.” – Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, ‘Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'” – David Letterman

“Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled.” – Jay Leno

“Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol.” – David Letterman

“Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.” – Conan O’Brien

“If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we’re going to war with North Korea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, ‘She’s having a little fun being a private citizen.’ And then he added, ‘Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless.” – Conan O’Brien

“The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, ‘Well, that would be great if I had a job.'” – David Letterman

“CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses.” – Jay Leno

“Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart.” – David Letterman

“Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands.” – Craig Ferguson

“Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what’s in it, and it’s going to be explosive. It’s the Taco Bell of breaking news.” – Stephen Colbert, on the House hearings on Benghazi


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    Friday, May 24, 2013 at 4:49 am | Permalink