“The Anthony Weiner campaign’s communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he’d take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, ‘The important thing is I haven’t lost my phone’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t know if I believe this or not, but there’s this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA’s biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He’s gonna need a job. We’ve seen his promo package.” – Jay Leno
“A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world’s three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you’re done. No competition.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first musical’.” – David Letterman
“Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that’s what the Tony Awards are for.” – Jay Leno
“Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.” – John Oliver
“Al Qaeda announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time.” – Conan O’Brien
“The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There’s one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it. The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it. We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City.” – David Letterman
