“President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC ‘America’s Got Talent’ will be delayed by ‘America’s Got Problems’.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, ‘That guy’s on too many shows’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad’s power has been reduced to the point where he’s on ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Jay Leno
“John Kerry says any attack on Syria will be ‘unbelievably small’. Well, that should put the fear of God into them. ‘If we get approval, we will attack you so tiny, you won’t even know what happened.'” – Jay Leno
“Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman claims to have met Kim Jong-Un’s secret baby. Apparently nobody had the heart to tell Rodman that the secret baby he met is actually Kim Jong-Un.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong-Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong-Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?” – Jimmy Kimmel
This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Sea Biscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is ‘hungry. Not for players, for food’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New York City is replacing electronic voting booths with 50-year-old lever machines. When reached for comment, Anthony Weiner said, ‘I was already planning on going into the booth and pulling a 50-year old lever’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven’t seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny’s with me the other night.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans.” – Stephen Colbert
