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Late Night Political Humor

“Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, ‘If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.’ You know, if they’d get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas.” – Jay Leno

“As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, ‘I don’t want to put anything on the table and I don’t want to take anything off the table.’ Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table.” – Jay Leno

“[Michelle Bachmann] is a true conservative with a vision of our country’s future, or possibly of a coat rack or a bird. I could never tell what she was looking at.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Nobel Prize for chemistry was announced this week. It was awarded to Senator Ted Cruz for mixing up that batch of Kool-Aid that the Republicans seem to be drinking on Capitol Hill.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a new restaurant in New York that doesn’t let customers talk to each other during their meals. When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, ‘Table for 200 please?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of things are shut down. The CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, is shut down. That means they might have to cancel flu season this year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym – the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent. There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who’s in the five percent that still approves of Congress?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it’s time for his party to have a ‘Braveheart’ moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: ‘Ransom’.” – Jay Leno

“China issued a warning because we owe them $1.3 trillion. If we default, they have threatened to cut off our supply of cheap plastic crap made by kids.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It’s a devious con that can only be described as insurance.” – Stephen Colbert

“The other day California’s health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over.” – Jay Leno