“We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security’s very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, ‘Who’s that guy groping Fallon?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“On Tuesday, President Obama hosted a White House screening of the new movie The Monuments Men. Or as Biden called it, ‘NOT The Lego Movie‘.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote.” – David Letterman
“A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He’s a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party.” – Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday at the Olympics, a snowboarder who was raised in America won a gold medal for Russia. So congratulations to Edward Snowden.” – Conan O’Brien
“At the Olympics, the Russian men’s hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started.” – Craig Ferguson
“The Russians were supposed to do well in men’s and women’s hockey. Now they’ve both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They’re gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner.” – David Letterman
“Russia won the gold medal in women’s figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men’s hockey team.” – Conan O’Brien
“The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men’s hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world’s best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they’d love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close.” – Jimmy Fallon
