“I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face.” — Jon Stewart (after Fox News’ Megyn Kelly called out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq)
“President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. The president then announced he will be raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour.” – Conan O’Brien
“After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We’re still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn’t win. If that doesn’t get people to start watching soccer, nothing will.” – Craig Ferguson
“Did you watch the match between United States and Portugal? I don’t know if I’m supposed to be happy or not. It ended in a tie. For a short time Americans cared about soccer.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn’t until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours.” – Craig Ferguson
“As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That’s the nice thing about the World Cup. We can be invested if we win. If we lose it’s like: Oh, it’s soccer, I don’t care.” – Conan O’Brien
“The World Cup is very confusing. It could take up to a month after the final game to figure out who won.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven’t seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo’s family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale.” – Craig Ferguson
“Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin’.” – Conan O’Brien
