“In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, ‘Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called ‘Nuns on the Bus’ kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it’s his way of giving back, while the nuns say it’s God’s way of testing their faith.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Al Qaeda has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline – although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on Myspace.” – Seth Meyers
“The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s brother Doug Ford has announced that he’ll be running in his brother’s place. I don’t think it’s a good sign that in the Ford family, Doug is known as ‘the crazy one.'” – Seth Meyers
“South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL.” – Conan O’Brien
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