[political jokes taken from episodes of “The Simpsons”, collected by Daniel Kurtzman]
“Fox News: ‘Not Racist, But #1 With Racists'” – a new logo for Fox News
“Fox News: ‘Unsuitable For Viewers Under 75′” – a new logo for Fox News
Bart Simpson: “Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”
Grampa Simpson: “I figured because the democrats were in power again.”
A mock FOX News crawl: “Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. … Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. … Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. … Dow down 5000 points. … Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. … JFK posthumously joins Republican Party. … Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple. … Dan Quayle: Awesome.”
“Ironic, isn’t it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.” – Mr. Burns
“An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?” – Barney Gumbel
“Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?” – Homer Simpson
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.” – Homer Simpson
“I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.” – Ned Flanders
Todd Flanders: “Daddy, what do taxes pay for?”
Ned Flanders: “Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ’em!”
In the Simpsons episode “The Day the Earth Was Stupid” (a spoof of “The War of the Worlds”) two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation:
“The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,” one alien says. “You said we’d be greeted as liberators!”
“Don’t worry, we still have the people’s hearts and minds,” the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain. (Watch video clip)
“This doesn’t happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America,” – Homer Simpson (after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama)
Mr. Burns, convening a meeting at the Springfield GOP Headquarters: “Welcome fellow Republicans. To start on new business, brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.”
Hibbert: “All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagan. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan.”
Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: “Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There’s just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle-aged indiscretions?”
Mr. Burns: “Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?”
Krusty: “Russian hooker, you tell me.”
Burns: “We’ll say you were on a fact finding mission.”
Reporter: “Welcome to Fox News, your voice for evil. Tonight we’ll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield’s 24th congressional district. For the Republicans, beloved children’s entertainer, Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats, this guy.”
Armstrong: “I have a name.”
Reporter: “Yes, I’m sure you do comrade. I do appreciate you’re being here, you’re usually so mired in sleaze, it must be an effort to come down to the studio.”
“Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.” – Homer Simpson
“Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!” – Lisa Simpson
“My piggybank is not entitled to TARP funds.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag)
“The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan’.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag)
“I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag). This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the subliminal message claim during the campaign, in which the word “RAT” briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned.
“I am not the acting president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which aired during the legal contest over the results of the 2000 presidential election
“The president did it is not an excuse.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached
“No one cares what the definition of ‘is’ is.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to Bill Clinton’s famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal
“I am not smarter than the president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), referring to President George W. Bush
“I will not buy a presidential pardon.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office
“I will not scare the vice president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition
“It’s potato, not potatoe.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), poking fun at Dan Quayle’s infamous misspelling of potato
Clips from the episode where Aliens take form of Clinton and Dole
Obama: Light & Heavy !
(1) Obama’s favorite candy: Mecca Wafers!
(2) Barack-coli: a vegetable or a national plague!
(3) Obama Coffee: grounds for impeachment!
(4) Prov. 17:7 (NIV): “Arrogant lips are unsuited to a fool – how much worse lying lips to a ruler!”
(5) When Obama says we’re on the cutting edge of history, he must be thinking about beheadings!
(6) New nursery un-rhyme: Obaba Black Sheep keeps pulling the wool over our eyes!
(7) The southwest is running out of water, but Obama is helping with his surplus of wet*****!
(8) Prov. 19:10 (NIV): “It is not fitting for a fool to live in luxury – how much worse for a slave to rule over princes!”
(9) Obama is an expert on beheading. After lunch he tells his secretary: “I’ll be heading back to the golf course!
(10) The border fence isn’t high enough to keep out un-American criminals. I repeat, the White House fence isn’t high enough to keep out un-American criminals – and now they’re inside the White House!
(11) Prov. 30:21, 22 (NIV): “the earth…cannot bear up [under] a servant who becomes king.”
(12) We’ve gone from America’s Declaration of “unalienable rights” to Obama’s Proclamation of ALIENable rights!
(13) The nicest words Obama could repeat while golfing: “I’m having a stroke, I’m having a stroke”!
(For more kicks Google “Michelle Obama’s Allah-day” and “The Background Obama Can’t Cover Up.”)
[Spied the above on the never boring web!]
Chuck, I’m not against jokes that use Obama as the butt of their humor, but these are not even funny. And some of them (like #11) are racist. Can’t you do better?