“President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he’s repeating himself every half hour, that’s where he learned it from.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Vladimir Putin has been named Russia’s man of the year. Second place went to ‘Or else.'” – Seth Meyers
“Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse.” – Conan O’Brien
“During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, ‘Never paint your wife or your mother.’ Then he added, ‘Because it’s almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? ” – David Letterman
“Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab.” – Craig Ferguson
“I feel like Bush presidencies are like ‘Godfather’ films. You should stop at two.” – David Letterman
“What is Jeb Bush’s full name? Jebediah? Jebaroni?” – Craig Ferguson
“Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he’s going to run as just ‘Jeb’. He said, ‘My last name? It’s not important.'” – Seth Meyers
“Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.” – Craig Ferguson
“Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie ‘Frozen’. One leaves you with something highly infectious that’s impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. Hanukkah lasts for eight nights — unlike Christmas, which lasts for two and a half months.” – Seth Meyers
“The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.” – Conan O’Brien
