“The newly elected congressmen and women from the midterm elections were sworn in today. This Congress will be the most diverse ever, with 104 women, 46 blacks, 12 Asian-Americans, and two Native Americans. Even the dolls on the ‘It’s a Small World’ Disney ride said, ‘Not bad’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, 104 female lawmakers. In other words, there’s going to be a lot of filibusters that go like this: ‘You know what you did.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A total of 71 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We have a new and now Republican-controlled Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation’s capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Congress has an approval rating that’s very, very low. Their approval rating is 15 percent. You know you’re in trouble when people like you less than they like Jennifer Lopez movies.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.” – David Letterman
“A Miami judge issued Florida’s first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They’ll say, ‘Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.” – Conan O’Brien
