“Sunday is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It’s the time of year when all the biggest movie stars get together and try to piece together what happened after they blacked out at the Golden Globes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.” – David Letterman
“I heard that this year’s Oscar nominee gift bags are each worth over $167,000 and include items like free luxury car rentals and a stay at a five-star hotel in Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where we get an AOL CD and two loose Twizzlers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to [National] parks for a year. You can tell kids don’t get outside enough, because the last time they saw a sunset they said, ‘Hey, there’s that thing I saw on Instagram.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?” – David Letterman
“Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.” – David Letterman
