“Today the stock market plunged 600 points and One Direction announced they’re breaking up. Yes, both of these things happened. It was good timing for me because when people asked why I was sobbing uncontrollably, I was able to blame it on the stock market.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today China’s stock market went down 8 percent and France and Germany’s both went down 5 percent. When asked for comment Greece said, ‘boo-hoo’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump had a rally at a football stadium in Mobile, Alabama, after planning to have it in a hotel ballroom. It got too big for the ballroom, so they moved it to the convention center. It got too big for the convention center, so they moved it to a football stadium. Apparently the strategy of saying whatever crazy thing pops into your head is really paying off for him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President-elect Trump discusses all of the big issues, China, opponents, Univision, Mexico, Oreos … everything. He even talked about the weather and how the weather might affect his hair. ‘You know if it rains I will take off my hat and I will prove, I will prove once and for all that it’s mine. Okay.’ Sounds good to me. Why not just dip it in a bucket? You don’t have to wait for the rain.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Jeb Bush has photoshopped a photo for an ad which gives him a black left hand and a much different looking body. Jeb just can’t get it right. I wonder if his black hand handshake is different from the white hand handshake.” – Jimmy Kimmel
