“It’s come out that Donald Trump’s grandfather owned a brothel. When reached for comment Trump said, screwing people for money is a long family tradition.” – Conan O’Brien
“There was a time when it seemed unimaginable that Joe Biden could ever be taken seriously enough to win his party’s nomination, but Donald Trump just blew that idea right out the window.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A spokesman for the White House yesterday said Vice President Joe Biden has received president Obama’s blessing to run for president. Not that he necessarily needs it, but Biden hasn’t made a decision yet, but he plans to as soon as Amazon delivers the magic eight ball he ordered.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A lot of people are upset because Jeb Bush used the term ‘anchor babies’ to describe children born of illegal immigrants. Calling a child an anchor baby is almost as derogatory as calling a child Jeb. But he was in McAllen, Texas, defending himself, reminding everyone that his wife is Mexican. You don’t mention that your wife is Mexican as much as Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bill Gates alone, lost $3.2 billion on the stock market yesterday. To put that in perspective, that’s like a regular person losing a dollar in a vending machine.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The CEO of Starbucks sent the message to Starbucks employees yesterday, instructing them to be sensitive to customers who might be feeling stressed out about the market. I like that the place that charges $5 for a cup of coffee is concerned about our finances.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“South Korea has agreed to stop broadcasting insulting propaganda over the North Korean border. They’ve agreed to stop doing it. They’ve also canceled their Comedy Central roast of Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien
