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Late Night Political Humor

“13.5 million viewers watched the debate last night, which was a record for the Fox Business channel. By the way, is Fox Business always a channel or is that a one-night thing? I’ve never seen that one before.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The debate was about the economy and I have to say it was not as much fun as the last one. It was mostly boring. And there are too many people on stage. It might be time to split the candidates into teams and make them play dodgeball or something to see who stays.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night was the fourth Republican debate. And if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb needed a big win last night but he really disappeared. He finished seventh of eight in total talking time. He was the least-Googled candidate in the debate. The only person who Googled Jeb Bush last night was his mother, Barbara, because even she forgot who he was.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to Politico, the new most-searched-for phrase associated with Jeb Bush is ‘is Jeb Bush still running for president?’ Even worse, it’s the most-searched-for phrase on Jeb Bush’s computer.” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson is still the front-runner despite the fact that many experts say he had a bad debate. I thought it went fine. His mouth kind of moved, words came out so we can hear him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ben Carson did say he’s tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After some controversial statements recently, a lot of people had their eyes on Ben Carson last night. And at one point, he said that his 3-year-old granddaughter was at the debate because she said she wanted to go. And also because she’s his most reliable fact-checker.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to several online polls, Donald Trump was the winner of last night’s presidential debate. When reached for comment Trump said, ‘Melania, keep clicking!'” – Seth Meyers

“Last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia’s fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that’s also known, the best ‘Amazing Race’ team EVER.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said he got to know Vladimir Putin very well because they were on ’60 Minutes’ the same night, even though they were interviewed by different hosts in different locations. Then he said it was a pleasure to meet Flo the Progressive lady during the commercial break.” – Conan O’Brien

“During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said, ‘We need more welders and less philosophers.’ Graduates with a philosophy degree were so furious, they got on their parents’ computers and wrote angry emails.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton this week has begun telling the story of her attempt to join the Marines in 1975. But the closest she ever came to the Marines was buying a pantsuit at Old Navy.” – Seth Meyers