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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump won yesterday’s Republican primaries in Florida, Illinois, and North Carolina. Trump did especially well with white males, Caucasian men, and non-women of no color.” – Seth Meyers

“The big win for Trump was in Marco Rubio’s home state of Florida. Rubio won one county in his home state, Miami. That was thanks to a last-minute endorsement from the sound machine.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Trump didn’t seem to mind, since, as he put it, ‘The word Ohio is full of zeros.’ (It’s 50 percent zeros!)” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, the numbers are subject to change when President Trump takes office and makes us great again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A disappointing finish for Marco Rubio. A man who fueled his campaign with all the fire and spontaneity of Vicki the robot from ‘Small Wonder’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“While announcing last night that he is dropping out, Marco Rubio told supporters, ‘We should have seen this coming.’ If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.” – Seth Meyers

“After the announcement, Rubio dropped out of the race. He went back to Washington and locked his office door to make sure no Supreme Court nominees get in. So good luck to him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump won four of the five primaries last night. Assuming she wins Missouri, Hillary Clinton went five for five in the primaries. Disappointing night for Bernie Sanders, which was a surprise; he was polling well among everyone’s most annoying Facebook friends.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The bad news for the leaders of both parties, both Clinton and Trump have a very high unfavorability rating. Hillary is 53 percent unfavorable, Trump clocks in at an extraordinary 63 percent unfavorable. Which, I think, like only Jared from Subway has higher than that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This election is going to be the political equivalent of having lunch at Panda Express — nobody wins.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama announced today that he is nominating Washington, D.C. Circuit Court Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. ‘I can’t win anything this week!’ screamed JoJo from The Bachelor.” – Seth Meyers