“Bernie Sanders won on the Democratic side in the Wisconsin primary. Sanders’ Wisconsin supporters celebrated by drinking Old Milwaukee, or as Bernie calls it, ‘Young Milwaukee’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In an interview, Spike Lee said that Bernie Sanders’ campaign song should be ‘Brooklyn’s in the House.’ Today, Bernie Sanders said, ‘I don’t know who this ‘Spike Lee’ is, but I hope he can deliver the Asian vote.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting.” – Seth Meyers
“While campaigning in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz refused to wear the traditional Wisconsin ‘Cheesehead’. Ted Cruz said the Cheesehead would compromise the dignity that he one day hopes to have.” – Conan O’Brien
“Following his win in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz today campaigned in the Bronx. Said Cruz supporters, ‘None of us live there’.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump suffered a big loss yesterday in Wisconsin to Ted Cruz. Or as Trump put it, ‘I hit a wall. A big wall. And I’m going to have to pay for it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some people are blaming Donald Trump’s loss in Wisconsin on the fact that he made fun of Ted Cruz’s wife with a photo on Twitter. Trump said he regrets the decision and wishes he had used Instagram.” – Conan O’Brien
“I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, ‘Blac Chyna.’ Or as Trump calls that, ‘his worst nightmare’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“John Kasich yesterday responded to Donald Trump’s calls on him to suspend his campaign and said, quote, ‘I’m not dropping out, I’m dropping in.’ Specifically, in the polls.” – Seth Meyers
“Chris Christie was the focus of a shaming campaign after a fan at a basketball game photographed him seemingly pouring a bag of M&Ms into a box of M&Ms. I guarantee you Chris Christie did not know the score of that basketball game.” – James Corden
“Are we really shocked Chris Christie is eating M&Ms? The man endorsed Trump. He sucks at making healthy decisions.” – James Corden
“My point is that Chris Christie eating M&Ms isn’t something that should go viral. It’s basically what we expect. Like nobody would get excited if they caught Bernie Sanders cutting his own hair in a bus station bathroom. It’s just what he does.” – James Corden
“In a new study, three in four Americans told pollsters that they were angry because, quote, ‘Public officials don’t care what people like me think.’ They got even angrier when the pollsters were like, ‘Yeah, I wasn’t asking you, I was asking the guy behind you.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The DEA has announced that by the middle of the year they may decide to remove marijuana from its Schedule 1 category of dangerous drugs. Because, let’s face it, it’s absurd to have ‘marijuana’ and ‘schedule’ in the same sentence.” – Seth Meyers
