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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 3, 2016]

“Today was the Indiana primary, and the results are in. Donald Trump saw his shadow, so there are six more months of the election!” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day.” – James Corden

“The Indiana primary was today and we’re this much closer to having a president who starts Twitter fights with Cher.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the Indiana primary and the winner was, of course, Donald Trump. But the big news was that Ted Cruz ended his presidential campaign. I can’t believe Cruz is quitting the race. I mean, who quits just because they’ve lost?” – James Corden

“Cruz said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family. In response, his family said, ‘Are you sure you want to quit?'” – James Corden

“Just before Cruz exited the race, Donald Trump implied that Ted Cruz’s dad may have been involved in the Kennedy assassination. This is very unlike Trump. Usually, he thoroughly investigates a story before repeating it to millions of people.” – James Corden

“Trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that Ted Cruz’s dad is somehow involved in the assassination of JFK. While I’m pretty sure Rafael Cruz didn’t have anything to do with the assassination of JFK, he does look like a James Bond villain from the Sean Connery era.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump is implying that Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Even worse, Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with Ted Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Heidi Cruz was asked about rumors that her husband is the Zodiac Killer, and she said, ‘I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is.’ That story again: Heidi Cruz didn’t actually deny that her husband was the Zodiac Killer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today in Indiana, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump ‘a pathological liar’, ‘a narcissist’, ‘utterly immoral’, and ‘a serial philanderer’. Then Cruz turned to Trump and said, ‘Teach me, Master!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Ted Cruz suspending his campaign is great news for the only other candidate, John Kasich, who is now just waiting for Donald Trump to drop out.” – James Corden

“Trump now leads Ted Cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. Is anybody else starting to feel bad for Ted Cruz? Poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in a transgender bathroom and never come out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is Teacher Appreciation Day, and President Obama thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Ms. Mabel Hefty. Then Bernie Sanders thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Aristotle.” – Conan O’Brien

“A high school girl brought a cardboard cut-out of Bernie Sanders as her prom date. Meanwhile, another girl brought a cardboard cut-out of John Kasich that turned out to be John Kasich.” – Conan O’Brien