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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from July 28, 2016]

“Tonight Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention, officially accepting the nomination for president. The speech went well, but the lightning shooting from her hands was a bit much.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling, and just in case that point was lost on you, with Trump so close to the presidency, Hillary just became the largest ‘break glass in case of emergency’ ever.” – James Corden

“Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it.” – James Corden

“Hillary Clinton said tonight that Donald Trump has taken the Republican Party from Ronald Reagan’s ‘Morning in America’ to ‘Midnight in America’. Which frankly is a little insulting those of us who come on at 1:00 a.m. Midnight is not terrible.” – Seth Meyers

“Morgan Freeman narrated Hillary Clinton’s introduction video at the DNC, and for some reason, Hillary gave her speech as Morgan Freeman tonight.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, ‘Now where’s my check?'” – Conan O’Brien

“After Hillary spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During President Obama’s speech last night, he referred to Donald Trump as a ‘home-grown demagogue’. In response, Trump supporters said ‘Hey — two syllable words only!'” – Conan O’Brien

“During his big speech, President Obama said that no matter how many times Hillary Clinton gets knocked down, she always gets back up. At which point, he was accused of plagiarizing his speech from Chumbawamba.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night, President Obama gave Mrs. Clinton a powerful endorsement, at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his mother-in-law at a wedding.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Vice President Joe Biden spoke at the convention last night. He walked out to the theme from the movie Rocky. I’m guessing that’s how he enters everywhere he goes.” – Seth Meyers

“After Joe Biden used the word ‘malarkey’ in his speech, it became the most searched word on the internet. Mostly from people who thought ‘malarkey’ was a new Pokémon.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, ‘That wasn’t me’.” – James Corden

“When George W. Bush saw this, he was like, ‘Pfft, a few days? I did that for eight years.'” – James Corden

“Former Republican Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg spoke at the DNC last night. He told the crowd Hillary Clinton understands this is not reality television. Though if it were, she is not here to make friends!” – Seth Meyers

“Bradley Cooper was spotted at the Democratic Convention and it angered conservatives because he portrayed Navy SEAL Chris Kyle in American Sniper. These are the same people who were angry when they learned that Ben Affleck isn’t really Batman.” – Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that he doesn’t know who Vladimir Putin is. He then paused and went, ‘Oh, you mean Vlad? Yeah, of course I know Vlad.'” – Seth Meyers

“Today, Donald Trump said that when he asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails he was being ‘sarcastic’. Which makes sense — if anyone understands comedy, it’s the Russians.” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump wants to build a wall and bring in foreign workers. It’s like he’s playing a game of tic-tac-toe against himself. Or maybe this is a Telemundo prank show. We sent a bunch of workers to the United States. Wait until they find out who their new boss is.” –Jimmy Kimmel


One Comment

  1. xz wrote:

    Saturday, August 13, 2016 at 9:11 pm | Permalink