[Satire from the Onion]
Assuring the nation he would work quickly and tirelessly to carry out his agenda, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly issued a press statement Monday mapping out his first 100 days of not conceding the 2016 election. “I will get to work on day one questioning the final vote tally, and I promise that I will not rest during my first week until I’ve discredited Hillary Clinton’s victory with repeated accusations that she orchestrated a widespread conspiracy to steal the election,” read the message from Trump in part, which went on to note that the candidate had already assembled a team of top legal experts to help him transition to a full-time schedule of filing lawsuits against state and local election boards and major media outlets. “Within my first 10 days, I will introduce a comprehensive plan for my disgruntled supporters to march on the White House, and by day 30, I will submit a formal petition demanding Clinton’s immediate removal from office. In addition, throughout the entire 100-day period, I vow to keep the American people fully updated on my progress by continuing to appear on radio and television programs, commenting on current affairs and criticizing Clinton’s history of misconduct as if I’m still in the running to be president.” Trump added that while the first 100 days will be an important measure of his success, his vision goes far beyond those initial three months, and he looks forward to fiercely disputing the legitimacy of a Clinton presidency for the next four years.