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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Nov. 7, 2016]

“The election is finally here and tomorrow, people who cast their vote will receive one of those ‘I Voted’ stickers. Actually, with such a crazy election, they’re going with a different sticker this year: ‘So, That Happened’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on Election Day. People used to get drunk like St. Patrick’s Day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that from happening. I think this is the year to bring that tradition back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In less than 24 hours the election will be over. Right now, Hillary has the edge and Trump supporters are threatening that if she wins, there might be a revolution. Americans these days can’t get nine guys to show up for softball every Thursday night, do you think they’re going to be signing up for a revolt?” – James Corden

“They’re going to be like, ‘Ah, I can’t do Wednesday, I’ve got a parent-teacher conference Wednesday. Can we move the revolt to the weekend?’ ‘I can’t, the kids have got judo. They’re doing so well.'” – James Corden

“Tomorrow we will elect either Biff from “Back to the Future” or one of the robots from ‘Westworld’. You will decide.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow is Election Day, so it’s time to finally decide. Are you with her, or are you with the FBI, Vladimir Putin, the KKK and Scott Baio?” – Seth Meyers

“In less than 24 hours the election will be over. The race for the White House in 2020 will begin in two months, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s finally Election Day, which means CNN’s countdown clock starts all over again.” – Seth Meyers

“If there’s one thing that we learned from this election, it’s that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use Facebook; that was a mistake.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We tried democracy, I think we proved we’re not mature enough to handle it, we can’t do this. Let’s go back to only caring about pet videos.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. Whoever wins, I want us to all promise one thing: Let’s never do this again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In other words, stand in line and then take that ‘I Voted’ sticker and put it right over your lips. We don’t want to hear about it anymore.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Out of the 100 largest newspapers in America, Hillary has been endorsed by 57, while Trump has only been endorsed by two. The most shocking part of that story is that America still has 100 newspapers.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One thing helping Hillary is the fact that FBI Director James Comey told Congress on Sunday that his latest probe into her emails still found no evidence of wrongdoing. This is a complete reversal of the bombshell letter he sent last week. It makes Director Comey look really bad; in fact, now at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list is a new FBI director. This investigation of Clinton’s emails was built up to be this huge game-changer and in the end there was nothing to it. It was basically the Apple Watch of scandals.” – James Corden

“The early voting results are in and on Saturday, Nickelodeon announced the winner of its Kids Pick the President initiative. This is an event where school kids vote, and the majority were overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton. Nickelodeon may have voted for Hillary, but we need to find out what Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel say before we can call it a lock.” – James Corden

“In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton held a huge rally in front of Independence Hall with Bruce Springsteen. Bruce talked about global warming and trade policy. Hillary, as always, closed with ‘Thunder Road’.” – Stephen Colbert

“The final polls from the major news outlets show Hillary Clinton with anywhere between a 4- and 6-point lead, or as The Huffington Post reported it, ‘a 46-point lead!'” – Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump was rushed off the stage at a rally over the weekend after someone in the crowd yelled, ‘Gun’, which is surprising because I just assumed that’s how people at Trump rallies greeted each other. ‘Gun!’ ‘And gun to you, good sir!’ ‘A good gun to us all!'” – Seth Meyers

“The New York Times reported that people running Donald Trump’s campaign have blocked him from using Twitter. More accurately, they’ve switched his phone with a calculator, and he still hasn’t noticed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend, aides to Donald Trump have finally wrested away his Twitter account. What?! You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’re left with is a billionaire with anger issues. He’s got none of his tools!” – Stephen Colbert

“According to the New York Times, Donald Trump’s press aides have revoked access to his Twitter account in the final days before the election. They changed his password to something he would never guess: ‘ILoveWomenOver40’.” – Seth Meyers

“Twitter is Trump’s lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that Donald Trump does not use a computer. No computer at all. He even files his taxes the old-fashioned way — not.” – Stephen Colbert

“Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump based his whole campaign on that Twitter account. What’s he going to do now? Write messages in bronzer on bedsheets and hang them out the window of Trump Tower?” – Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s aides have taken away his Twitter but don’t worry, he is still tearing it up on Yelp.” – Seth Meyers