[Jokes from Nov. 17, 2016]
“Donald Trump today had his first official meeting with a foreign leader as president-elect. He met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in New York. The meeting actually got off to a rocky start. Trump asked the prime minister if he could teach him how to do the crane kick from ‘Karate Kid’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump doesn’t even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted: ‘The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,’ and calling global warming ‘very expensive BS.’ Of course, ‘Very Expensive BS’ is also the motto for Trump University.” – Stephen Colbert
“Chinese officials have responded to Trump’s accusation with a strongly-worded statement, and I’m going to read this in the original Mandarin: ‘Nuh-uh’. I hope I’m pronouncing that correctly.” – Stephen Colbert
“They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, ‘whatever the circumstances.’ Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is planning a victory tour of the states he won. He’s planning on holding a series of rallies starting sometime after Thanksgiving. Maybe this is where he reveals it was all a prank.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows up on his first day of work and Trump goes, ‘I said ‘Tom Cruise’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ben from ‘The Bachelor’ has called off his wedding. Apparently, Donald Trump wants to interview him for secretary of defense.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump’s transition continues its transitioning. Don’t know a lot about what’s going on, but I do know that his team has not yet called the Pentagon, possibly because he knows more than the generals. Or maybe he’s never going to call them. He’ll just launch a literal tweet war: ‘@Pentagon, please bomb Syria. #LyingNewYorkTimes.'” – Stephen Colbert
“According to a new report, Donald Trump’s transition team still has not contacted the Pentagon. Apparently, they can’t find that shape on the phone. ‘I’m having no luck here. I’ve called Triangle like 50 times. They keep putting me through to Square. Square said he was Circle.'” – Seth Meyers
“Today was the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout event, which encourages people to stop smoking and help their loved ones do the same. That’s right, quit smoking a week after Trump was elected. Good luck with that.” – James Corden
“Hillary Clinton made her first appearance since the election last night and told the crowd, ‘There had been a few times this past week when all I wanted to do is just to curl up with a good book or our dogs and never leave the house again.’ Oh, sure, NOW you’re relatable.” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton was in our nation’s capital last night. She confessed there were times in the past week she just wanted to curl up and never leave the house again. That’s when Bill stepped in and said, ‘Oh, yes, she will.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At the end of the speech, Clinton said America is still the greatest country in the world — and then she got on a plane and flew to Sweden, where she will live out her remaining days on Earth.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession.” – Seth Meyers
“Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, ‘I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation.’ While Biden said, ‘If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ricky Martin announced that he is engaged to his boyfriend, who happens to be Syrian. Ricky got down on one knee and said, ‘Will you help me make Donald Trump’s head explode?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During President Obama’s visit to Greece yesterday, huge anti-Obama protests broke out. However, Obama was able to quiet down the crowd by saying, ‘Wait till you see the next guy.'” – Conan O’Brien
