[Jokes from Feb. 20, 2017]
President Trump took office one month ago today. Wow, it’s hard to believe the past few years have only been a month! – Seth Meyers
Today is President’s Day and you just know Trump was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents. – Seth Meyers
Yesterday was Presidents Day, and I read that Donald Trump’s supporters were emailed a Presidents Day card to sign for him. And since Trump was busy golfing, they were asked to sign some executive orders for him, too. – Jimmy Fallon
For those of you keeping score at home, Donald Trump has gone golfing six times 30 days. That explains the bumper sticker on Air Force One: “I’d rather be golfing, and there’s a 20% chance that I am.” – Stephen Colbert
It was reported this week that Donald Trump has made six different trips to golf courses in Florida in his first month as president. It’s definitely a lot for a guy who once tweeted: “Can you believe that with all the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf?” We all thought Trump was being critical. Turns out he was being jealous. – James Corden
We know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! – Stephen Colbert
A new report from The Washington Post reveals that Trump has spent 25 hours golfing during his first month in office. But during his intelligence briefings, he really buckled down … and played Wii golf. – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump today visited the National Museum of African American History and Culture … as part of his ongoing quest to find Barack Obama’s birth certificate. – Seth Meyers
Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on Martin Luther King Day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. It’s understandable. As Dr. King himself said, “I have a dream — unless something else comes up. Then it can wait.” – Stephen Colbert
Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip. – Stephen Colbert
At a rally this weekend, President Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, who he claimed, “fought with the media and called them out.” Yup, that’s who Abraham Lincoln was most famous for warring with. The media. – Seth Meyers
At his rally on Saturday, Trump suggested there was a terror attack in Sweden that didn’t really happen — and then the Swedish Embassy asked the State Department for an explanation. You know things are bad when the country that makes Ikea instructions is totally confused. – Jimmy Fallon
I noticed that President Trump didn’t wear a tie to his big rally in Orlando on Saturday. I guess it was either at the cleaners, or he got tired of tripping over it. – Jimmy Fallon
The British parliament is debating whether or not Donald Trump should be allow to make a state visit to the United Kingdom after a petition to keep him out garnered 1.8 million signatures. Hey, Donald, how’s that travel ban feel when it’s on the other foot? – James Corden
The debate is actually over whether Trump’s trip should be an official state visit. If that were the case, he’d be invited to stay in Buckingham Palace with the queen. And hopefully that would get filmed because it sounds like the greatest sitcom ever. “Tea and Trumpets,” Thursdays on CBS! – James Corden
Last Thursday was something called “A day Without Immigrants.” You know about this? I didn’t know; I thought that’s what Trump called it when Melania stays in New York. – Stephen Colbert
At a recent dinner while President Trump invited other attendees to order whatever they wanted, Trump demanded Chris Christie have the White House meatloaf. Coincidentally, “White House Meatloaf” is also the position Trump is considering him for. – Seth Meyers
President Trump had dinner with Mike Pence in the presidential dining room today. Pence said grace, and Trump said, “There were 1.5 million people at my inauguration.” – Seth Meyers
The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic. – Seth Meyers
The White House today disputed claims that a retired general turned down President Trump’s offer to serve as national security adviser, saying he made it very clear he wanted the job, but refused for financial reasons. Well, technically what he said was, “I wouldn’t do that job for all the money in the world.” – Seth Meyers
