[Jokes from Feb. 28, 2017]
Tonight, President Trump is giving a prime-time speech before Congress. The speech will be on a 10-second delay so Trump can live-tweet about how great his speech is going. – Conan O’Brien
President Trump gave his first address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Now, our show tapes early, so we don’t know what happened, but I’ll bet the people who were there aren’t that sure what happened either. – Seth Meyers
Tonight President Trump gave his big speech to Congress. I saw that beforehand, Democrats came out with a “prebuttal” to counter some of Trump’s talking points. They say that they know what Trump’s going say before he says it — or as Trump put it, “Must be nice. I just open my mouth, and the best words come out.” – Jimmy Fallon
One of the big issues that was expected to come up was immigration. Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a 3,500-word letter to Trump criticizing his immigration policy. When asked if he read the letter, Trump said, “I haven’t even read my immigration policy!” – Jimmy Fallon
During his interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life he’s actually earned. – Seth Meyers
Trump’s new Commerce Secretary is the vice-chairman of a bank that’s owned by Vladimir Putin. You can tell the bank is owned by Putin, ’cuz both the pens AND the tellers are chained to the desk. – Jimmy Fallon
It seems like Trump’s been breaking with a lot of traditions since he took office. There’s speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, “Actually, I’m canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at China.” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s come out that 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s daily workout routine includes pushups, planks, and squats. Apparently she began seriously taking care of her health last November 9th. – Conan O’Brien
A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide. – Seth Meyers
Sunday night was the first time that Amazon took home Oscars, winning two for “Manchester by the Sea.” Although the CEO said, “With Amazon Prime, we could have gotten those Oscars last Tuesday.” – Conan O’Brien
According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won’t bother to tell you. – Seth Meyers
Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples. – Conan O’Brien
