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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from May 9, 2017]

A few hours ago, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently Trump still hasn’t forgiven Comey for making him president. – Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump, who maybe you haven’t heard is president now, a few hours ago fired James Comey, the director of the FBI — which is kind of like O.J. firing Judge Ito halfway through the trial. – Jimmy Kimmel

Huge story that broke just minutes ago: FBI Director James Comey has just been fired by Donald Trump. That shows no gratitude at all. Did Trump forget about the Hillary emails that Comey talked about? “Thanks for the presidency, Jimmy. Now don’t let the door hit ya where the Electoral College split ya.” – Stephen Colbert

President Trump has fired FBI director James Comey. A massive story, a massive decision. Hey, remember two years ago when we all made jokes about if Trump ever became president, he’d be like, “You’re fired. You’re fired. You’re fired.” – James Corden

He fired the director of the FBI while the director was investigating his people for possible collusion with Russia. This is unbelievable. This is the kind of thing dictators do. This is the kind of thing reality TV hosts do, they fire someone every week. – Jimmy Kimmel

Maybe that’s what happened, he thinks he’s still on “The Celebrity Apprentice.” It was between James Comey and Meatloaf, and, well, the Loaf won again. – Jimmy Kimmel

The White House is saying Comey has been fired for his handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Other people are saying he’s being fired because of the Russia investigation. While I say Comey is being fired because Donald Trump is crazy! – James Corden

One reason they gave for firing him is because he mishandled the Hillary Clinton email situation, which is hilarious because that would mean Trump fired James Comey for making him president. – Jimmy Kimmel

We’ve seen a lot of unusual stuff, but this is outrageous. When something outrageous happens, I don’t just sit on my hands, I do something about it. That’s why I will be selling these “Comey Is My Homey” t-shirts. Send me $29.99, and I will use some of that money to send a very nasty letter to the Oval Office. – Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, Obama warned Trump about hiring Michael Flynn. And it was just as effective as when Obama warned America about hiring Trump. – Stephen Colbert

Why didn’t Trump heed this warning? Sources say Trump thought Obama was joking. You know, that old joke: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “He’s working for the Russians. And it’s actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume.” – Stephen Colbert

In her testimony, Sally Yates said she warned White House officials about Mike Flynn being compromised by the Russians. Yates also tried to warn Mike Pence, but every time she entered the room he yelled, “Out, temptress!” – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a “taxpayer-funded charade”. And he said he’d be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer. – Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Trump’s daughter Tiffany will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, “Congratulations to my non-Ivanka daughter!” – Jimmy Fallon

Do you guys remember Antonio Sabato Jr.? He’s a former model that used to appear on soap operas like “General Hospital” and “Melrose Place”. Well, he’s a huge Trump supporter and he just announced that he’s running for Congress. He has the right qualifications for a successful politician these days — absolutely no qualifications. – James Corden

Today former President Obama said, “You get the politicians you deserve.” When the bartender tried to cut him off, Obama said, “I’m FIIIINE!” – Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Kim Jong Un hurled a series of insults at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O’Reilly. – Conan O’Brien

A senator made history this week by breastfeeding in the Senate Chamber. The bad news is, it was Mitch McConnell. – Conan O’Brien

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9% effective means. – Seth Meyers

A Twitter plea from a teen for a year of free Wendy’s chicken nuggets is now the most retweeted post of all time, followed by the time Justin Bieber accidentally tweeted out the number 3. – Seth Meyers

Just in time for Mother’s Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women’s bodies. Yep, it’s being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom. – Jimmy Fallon

Good luck to the husband whose wife sends him out to buy her body wash. (WIFE ON PHONE) “Honey, you’ve been at CVS for over an hour, is everything OK?” (HUSBAND ON PHONE) “Yeah, just trying to make a decision that won’t ruin the rest of my life.” – Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I saw that today is National Teacher Day! Unless you’re home-schooled. Then it’s Mother’s Day: Part 1. – Jimmy Fallon

Queen Elizabeth was spotted driving herself home from church yesterday in a Jaguar. A Jaguar? [leers at photo of queen] All I see is a cougar. – Seth Meyers

This week, a Toyota Land Cruiser set the record as the world’s fastest SUV after reaching 230 mph. Apparently somebody was really late to their kid’s soccer game. – Conan O’Brien

A Toyota recently set a record for world’s fastest SUV after going 230 miles per hour. It was driven by a mom who forgot her kid at soccer practice. – Seth Meyers

Yesterday, a brawl broke out at a Florida airport after Spirit Airlines canceled several flights. To restore control, airport police were forced to fire Cinnabons into the crowd. – Conan O’Brien

Spirit’s having a dispute with its pilots. The pilots say Spirit is paying them peanuts. Not figuratively — they pay them with the little bags of peanuts we used to get before everyone was allergic. – Jimmy Kimmel

Some of the pilots have been refusing to fly, so Spirit had to cancel nine flights from Fort Lauderdale. Passengers obviously weren’t happy about that. All hell broke loose. It was like Black Friday minus the part where you go home with a new TV. – Jimmy Kimmel

About 300 Spirit flights have been canceled over the past week, leaving thousands of passengers grounded and angry. It’s hard to say which is worse, a canceled Spirit Airlines flight or actually being on a Spirit Airlines flight. – Jimmy Kimmel


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    Monday, June 12, 2017 at 12:58 am | Permalink