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Late Night Political Humor

[Jokes from Jun 15, 2017]

The Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Trump was like, “OK, now give me the bad news.” – Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed yesterday that the FBI is now investigating President Donald Trump for obstruction of justice. I don’t know if Trump obstructed justice, but I’ll tell you what he has obstructed — my ability to talk about anything other than Trump every night on this show. Let’s be honest: That’s the real crime, isn’t it? – James Corden

I don’t want to be doing this! I want to be talking about whether or not Beyoncé’s had her twins yet. Where are they? – James Corden

President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today when President Trump said he is NOT under investigation for obstruction of justice. – Conan O’Brien

How do you guys think the president of the United States responded to these very serious allegations? If you guessed “on Twitter”, I’m sorry to report that you were correct. – James Corden

The president woke up bright and early this morning, the day after what had to be his worst birthday ever. He woke up, walked down the hall to Melania’s bedroom, the door was locked. So he went downstairs, punched Sean Spicer in the stomach, wrestled the phone out of his little pink hands and tweeted about this special investigation into him. – Jimmy Kimmel

This morning Trump responded to an article on Twitter and called it a “phony story”. I guess at this point even Trump’s tired of saying “fake news.” – Jimmy Fallon

Remember when Donald Trump said he would give up tweeting when he became president? That was funny. That was a good one. – Jimmy Kimmel

But I guess this investigation is also a big deal. Democrats are hoping that this will lead to impeachment. Republicans, on the other hand, are secretly hoping … that this will lead to impeachment. – James Corden

Yesterday we learned that the president is being investigated by a special counsel led by Robert Mueller for possible obstruction of justice. So this morning at 7:57 a.m., Trump tweeted, “You are witnessing the single greatest witch hunt in American political history led by some very bad and conflicted people. #MAGA.” He’s even making witch hunts great again! – Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t think witches play golf every weekend. The way we’ll know Trump is a witch is when the White House falls on top of him and we see his feet curl up. – Jimmy Kimmel

This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice”, isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.” – James Corden

Although, Bill Clinton did use “nice”, but it was different. It was when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [winks] Nice.” – James Corden

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday”. – Conan O’Brien

Sunday is Father’s Day and the Trump kids are planning to give their father a tie. It’ll be the first time in a while that Trump has a tie that’s not linked to Russia. – Conan O’Brien

Trump also tried to deflect the allegations by going after Hillary Clinton — again. This afternoon, he posted: “Crooked H destroyed phones with hammer, bleached emails and had husband meet with AG days before she was cleared — and they talk about obstruction?” Now just so you know, I don’t understand what this means either. But let’s go through it piece by piece. Let’s start with “Crooked H”. Now, I think he’s talking about Hillary, but Crooked H could also be a member of the Wu Tang Clan. – James Corden

“Crooked H” sounds like how someone would describe the letter “K” if they forgot what it was called. – James Corden

Next, he said she bleached her emails. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Sometimes, before a really hot date night with my wife, I’ll go get my email bleached. It’s a courtesy to your partner. – James Corden

The real question is: Why is Donald Trump still tweeting about Hillary? Seriously, Donald Trump is that guy who swears he’s over his ex, but then spends the entire night telling you exactly how over her he is. – James Corden

The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter. – Seth Meyers

Vladimir Putin has offered asylum to former FBI Director James Comey. When she heard, Melania Trump said, “Hey, what about me?” – Conan O’Brien

The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter. – Seth Meyers

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. – Jimmy Kimmel

And two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. – Jimmy Kimmel

“Where’s Waldo?” they think is for Kim Jong Un’s daughter, who I think is 5 years old. They love American books in North Korea. They adapt them to suit the North Korean lifestyle. There’s “Good Night Un,” “Oh the Places You’ll Never Go,” “The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Millions of Other People.” – Jimmy Kimmel

It really is amazing Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un are friends. Especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. – Seth Meyers

Kevin Durant says that President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. Meanwhile, LeBron got a text that said “loser”. – Jimmy Fallon

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. – Seth Meyers

Fox News is dropping its slogan “fair and balanced”. Instead, it will be replaced with the more appropriate slogan “blondes and Hannity”. – Jimmy Fallon

National Geographic’s new slogan is “basically the Playboy Channel for chimpanzees.” – Jimmy Fallon

BBC America is changing their slogan to “dumber BBC.” – Jimmy Fallon

And finally, HGTV’s new slogan is “making you realize how many annoying couples exist.” – Jimmy Fallon

A company is offering a new service that will allow personal photos to be printed on swim trunks. “So it’ll just look like I’m naked?” asked Anthony Weiner. – Seth Meyers

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!” – Conan O’Brien

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame? – Seth Meyers

Also published on Medium.