[Jokes from May 2, 2017]
Today President Trump had a phone call with Vladimir Putin. Actually, they’re just continuing the phone call they were having last night, since neither of them would hang up first. – Jimmy Fallon
It was a pretty long call, although most of that was going, “No, you hang up. No, YOU hang up. No, nyet, you hang up.” – Will Arnett substituting for Jimmy Kimmel
Today, there was a call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump. The call was all part of Putin’s annual employee review. – Conan O’Brien
That’s right, Putin talking to Trump. Even Obama was like, “Now THIS call I’m gonna wiretap! Get the popcorn out!” – Jimmy Fallon
President Trump had a really big day, he spoke on the phone with Vladimir Putin today. They talked about Syria. And they talked about the Airbnb they’re going to share in Martha’s Vineyard together. – Will Arnett substituting for Jimmy Kimmel
In an interview yesterday, Trump questioned why America had a Civil War and suggested President Andrew Jackson could have prevented it, even though Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Coincidentally, 50 years from now, the name “Donald Trump” is going to be the answer to the question, “Why was there a second Civil War?” – James Corden
On Twitter this morning, Donald Trump suggested the U.S. needs a “good shutdown” to fix a deadlocked Congress. I don’t think Donald Trump realizes that the government is not like a computer. You can’t fix it by turning it off and turning it back on again. – James Corden
Trump’s thinking the government should go on a break. How is this going to work? This is the federal government, not Ross and Rachel. – James Corden
House Republicans are again trying to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don’t have the votes. House Republicans defended themselves and said, “Please, it’s a soothing ritual that comforts us.” – Conan O’Brien
While discussing healthcare, a Republican congressman from Alabama said that people who lead good lives don’t get sick. Seconds later, he dropped dead. – Conan O’Brien
Analysts are saying that Donald Trump has not read his new healthcare plan and he has actually spent no time getting familiar with it. Their first hint was when he called it “Melania”. – Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Trump said that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong Un. When asked why, Trump said, “Because I’ve heard her music, and she sounds beautiful.” – Jimmy Fallon
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gave a new interview where he said that he loves his job and is humbled to have it. Then Spicer blinked his eyes in Morse code to spell out “HELP ME”. – Jimmy Fallon
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer today left his daily press briefing without taking questions from reporters. Spicer was apparently too busy taking questions from himself. “Why do I keep doing this? What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I quit?” – Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the “shortfalls” of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin. – Seth Meyers
German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin. – Conan O’Brien
As part of a limited campaign, McDonald’s is offering forks made from French fries. Not to be outdone, Long John Silver’s began offering seafood made from fish. – Conan O’Brien
A picture went viral of a man delivering a 30-gallon tub of Cinnabon frosting on a bus — or as we call him in my house, Santa Claus. You just know everyone on that bus was like, “Forget my stop, I’ve got to see how this ends.” 30 gallons — that’s enough for nearly two Cinnabons. – James Corden
Taco Bell will begin selling so-called “Naked Chicken Chips,” which are triangular pieces of chicken that are dipped in nacho cheese sauce. And if you eat them they’ll be the only naked thing you’ll get to enjoy. – Seth Meyers
New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!” – Jimmy Fallon
A video surfaced today of a fistfight that broke out between passengers on a flight from Tokyo to Los Angeles. First the airlines stop giving you a meal, then they charge you to check a bag, and now passengers have to physically assault themselves. – Seth Meyers
