“Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.” – Jimmy Fallon “Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right […]
“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain (not Twain, likely from the book “The Peter Principle by Laurence F. Peter) “The end of democracy and the defeat of the American Revolution will occur when government […]
“Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton. People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to run for president in 2016?” – Craig Ferguson “Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to […]
Satirist Andy Borowitz hits the nail on the head. Even Cliven Bundy’s staunchest supporter, Sean Hannity, has been forced to distance himself from Bundy’s remarks about black people picking cotton and speculating that they were better off as slaves. Republicans Blast Nevada Rancher for Failing to Use Commonly Accepted Racial Code Words WASHINGTON (The Borowitz […]
© Tom Tomorrow A good article in Newsweek summing up the whole affair. UPDATE: It turns out that Cliven Bundy’s claimed “ancestral rights” to graze cattle “from the time the very first pioneers come here [sic]” are a lie. A local TV station discovered that his parents bought their ranch in 1948, and didn’t start […]
“A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.” – Conan O’Brien “This year’s Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you’re probably going to see […]
“A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, ‘Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.’” – Jimmy Fallon “A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton […]
“Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-Buzzkill.” – Conan O’Brien “Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more […]
“A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien “George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while […]
Funny or Die imagines what would happen if religious right-wingers had their way with the Cosmos TV series:
“President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, ‘I won’t rest until all you guys can get married.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the […]
“George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn’t find it.” – Jimmy Fallon “House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, […]
“The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She’ll get the house and the car and he’ll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…” – Seth Meyers “Vladimir Putin’s divorce became final today. So ladies, he’s officially single. Run!” – Seth Meyers “A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe […]
CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will be replacing David Letterman on the Late Show. What makes this interesting is that Colbert will drop his faux-conservative persona and will be himself. Or as Colbert put it “I won’t be doing the new show in character, so we’ll all get to find out how much of […]
“The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.” – Jimmy Fallon “The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a […]
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