“Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out of Kiev we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.” – Conan O’Brien “Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of […]
“Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a ‘thug’, and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, ‘My friend here will take care of you.’” – Jimmy Fallon “Russia, over the […]
“Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn’t find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, ‘Soon nobody will’.” – Seth Meyers “Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn’t show it. And […]
“This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn’t medal, Putin said, ‘Do not open trunk’.” – Jimmy Fallon “Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and […]
“This situation in Kiev, in the Ukraine, is still a big story. They overthrew the government and then a scared President Viktor Yanukovych went on the run. Now Russia has granted protection to Yanukovych. As soon as Edward Snowden heard that, he said, ‘Top bunk!’” – Jimmy Fallon “How about that mess in the Ukraine, […]
“The big story right now is what’s going on in the Ukraine. They’ve overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he’s not there.” – Jimmy Fallon “Now that he’s gone, the Ukrainian […]
“The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona’s chances of hosting the Tony Awards.” – Conan O’Brien “The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay […]
“The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read ‘Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service’.” – Seth Meyers “The Winter Olympics wrapped up in Sochi last night. So goodbye, men in leotards. We’ll see […]
“After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, ‘It has been fun time, and I’m sad to see everyone escape… I mean, get away… I mean, go home.’” – Jimmy Fallon “America is leading all the other countries at the Olympics in gold medals. […]
“We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security’s very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, ‘Who’s that guy groping Fallon?’” – Jimmy Fallon “On Tuesday, President Obama hosted a White House screening […]
“The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, ‘I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me.’” – Jimmy Fallon “When asked what kind of […]
“The Olympics are winding down in Sochi, and the Russian Olympic Committee says one of the giant Olympic rings that malfunctioned during the opening ceremony will be working for the closing ceremony. So it looks like Russia will be ready for the start of the Winter Olympics by the END of the Winter Olympics.” – […]
“Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, ‘That my job!’ But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.” – Bill Maher “In California, an openly […]
“Norway currently leads the medal count with 12, followed by the Netherland and Canada, followed then by white-sylvania and albino-stan. The Winter Games are really the only games that to do well, you have to look exactly like the surface you’re competing on.” – Jon Stewart “I’m glad you were able to tear yourselves away […]
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