“NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.” – David letterman “I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It’s eight months if […]
“In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi.” – Conan O’Brien “Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to […]
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.” – Conan O’Brien “New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why […]
“Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, ‘Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?’” – Jimmy Fallon “Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, ‘I dare […]
“Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn’t.” – Seth Meyers “A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next […]
“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.” – Jimmy Fallon “That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities […]
“An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.” – Jimmy Fallon “That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, […]
“Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video.” – Conan O’Brien “President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to […]
“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay. While the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.” – Jimmy Fallon “Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, ‘I don’t know what’s […]
“Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.” – Jay Leno “They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a […]
“The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it.” – David Letterman “It’s basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions.” – Jon Stewart “I guess that’s better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater.” – Jon Stewart (on the “Decision […]
Obama was pretty funny this year. Conan, um, not so much.
“A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter.” – Jimmy Fallon “You know what the worst job in America is? It’s newspaper reporter. I guess the pollsters forgot to ask the […]
Was this done with the new militarized photoshop technology?
“Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he’s in the shallow end.” – Jay Leno “According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me!” – David Letterman “I mean, at the […]
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