Political Irony

“Even the White House is weighing in on the Deflategate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to ‘be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.’ And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.” – David Letterman

“Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I’d like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host ‘The Apprentice’. His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump’s.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Kim Jong Un — it’s really Catch-22 with him. If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Things like that make me glad I live in America — where our political figures are free to fall asleep wherever they want.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Senate Democrats blocked President Obama’s trade bill yesterday because they’re worried it could hurt jobs. It’s not an issue for Republicans, since they’ve all found work as presidential candidates.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants.” – David Letterman

“In celebration of Mother’s Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, ‘Thanks, Obama’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy Mother’s Day. Yesterday, President Obama personally called three mothers who had written him letters recently. Man, do I feel sorry for any of their kids who forgot to call.” – Seth Meyers

“The mother would say, ‘Oh, you didn’t have time to call. Do you know who did have time? The president — of the United States of America — yeah, that president. So no, flowers on Wednesday does not make it OK.'” – Seth Meyers

“The White House is testing out new spikes that would make it difficult to jump the fence. So if you’re wondering what kind of cutting-edge technology the Secret Service is using to protect the president, it’s spikes. I think someone saw an episode of ‘Game of Thrones’.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new report, since he’s been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I’m actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If you’re going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, ‘Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, ‘You guys want anything?” That’s a joke. I can’t believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, ‘Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it’s been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates.” – Conan O’Brien

“Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.” – David Letterman

“Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.” – David Letterman

“People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can’t see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back.” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently there are incriminating texts and emails about what they call Deflategate. Earlier today Hillary Clinton announced that she would be happy to delete them.” – David Letterman

“A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to ‘Dude, ranches’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton’s only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, ‘Oooo, appetizers!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton gave a speech at Columbia University this afternoon. She ended it the way Clintons always end their speeches, by saying, ‘That’ll be $200,000.'” – Seth Meyers

“A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was such a nice day today that President Obama left the White House and went for a walk around the neighborhood. Even more amazing, THIS is the first the Secret Service is hearing about it.” – Seth Meyers