Political Irony

“Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.” – David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton announced that she is running. Then she drove from New York to Iowa in a van. You can’t be president of the United States unless you agree to eat a corn dog in front of a small group of farmers.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?” – David Letterman

“Have we all decided who we’re going to vote for president yet? You know you only have 574 days left to figure it out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?” – David Letterman

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She’s going to join the all-female cast of ‘Ghost Busters’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.” – Conan O’Brien

“Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica’s such a beautiful place, Obama says he can’t wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.” – Conan O’Brien

“In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“When he was asked about Hillary’s candidacy, Obama said, ‘If she’s her wonderful self, I’m sure she’ll do great.’ He added, ‘If she’s her other self, watch out.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say ‘I’m ridin’ with Biden.’ It’s a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using — ‘I’m hidin’ from Biden.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called ‘Pasta and Politics.’ It went so well that he’s agreed to go on ‘Meet the Garlic Press.'” – Seth Meyers

“Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.” – Jimmy Fallon

“John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he’s still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, ‘Why is he talking to that mannequin?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Election season is heating up. We’re starting to hear who’s running for president in 2016. Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 campaign sometime in the next two weeks. So remember, act surprised.” – Seth Meyers

“The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll in Cuba shows that President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. Then again, so is putting your whole family on a raft in the middle of the night.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you’d expect — telling people, ‘Uh, no, I don’t play for the Jazz.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church’s president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it’s a drunk Secret Service agent.” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as ‘Hispanic’ on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, ‘Si’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic, so I guess it’s actually pronounced ‘Yeb Bush.'” – Seth Meyers

“According to The New York Times, Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. While Hillary Clinton identified herself as ‘President’.” – Seth Meyers

“On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with — Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions.” – Conan O’Brien