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Late Night Political Humor

“Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in 2016. He hasn’t spelled out his platform yet. But he has spelled the out the word ‘Trump’ on his platform.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’d vote for Donald Trump just to find out how he and Melania would redecorate the White House.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“As of midnight last night, marijuana is officially legal in our nation’s capital. Or as President Obama put it, ‘Clear some space, Michelle. Barry’s getting his OWN garden!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s former press secretary, Jay Carney, will reportedly become a senior vice president at Amazon. Carney says he’s excited to work for someone who doesn’t take six years to deliver.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to ‘unlock their full potential,’ because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, ‘You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!’ And Hillary said, ‘Yes we can!'” – Jimmy Fallon

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Temper Tantrum

It is ironic that the GOP attempts to sabotage negotiations with Iran — first by inviting the Israeli Prime Minister to give a political campaign speech in Congress, then blatantly stating that they are indeed trying to sabotage the negotiations, and finally by sending an open letter to the Iranian government that was so condescending and full of misinformation that it is laughable — will probably have the opposite effect.

By throwing their temper tantrum, like a child trying to get attention at any cost, Republicans prove that they have no idea what the negotiations are about, and don’t even care. They have already shown that they will be against anything Obama supports (even if it was their idea in the first place), but in this case they are even more jealous because Obama is giving attention to someone else.

Remember the last time the Republicans tried the “ticking time bomb” argument? It was against Iraq and Saddam Hussein, and we all know how that turned out. Do they think the American people are so stupid that they can cry wolf any time they want and we will march off to (yet another) stupid endless war?

What makes this even more foolish and petty is that they can’t even wait until there is a proposal from the negotiations. No need to be confused by facts. They want to sabotage any negotiations with Iran. These are negotiations designed to remove the threat of an Iran with nuclear weapons. The alternative is for Iran to go back to developing those weapons. Is that what the GOP wants?

To be honest, I doubt they have even thought that far ahead.

UPDATE: Slate explains in detail why “The letter 47 Republican senators sent to Iran is one of the most plainly stupid things a group of senators has ever done.” This new article agrees that the letter is having quite the opposite effect it was intended and that the drafters of the letter have absolutely no understanding of our constitutional system. You know, the system they are purporting to school the Iranians about.

For example, they state (“in the tone of a teacher addressing third-graders”) that treaties and formal agreements need ratification by Congress, ignoring the fact that the diplomatic negotiations with Iran relieve international sanctions are not one of those. “In other words, contrary to the letter writers, Congress has no legal or constitutional role in the drafting, approval, or modification of this deal.”

The article also points out the hypocrisy of Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, who have repeatedly defended the president’s constitutional right to wage war, yet sign this letter claiming that the president has no right to wage diplomacy.

Finally, Slate points out that US law (passed by Congress) specifically makes “Private Correspondence with Foreign Governments”, to “influence” that government “in relation to any disputes or controversies with the United States, or to defeat the measures of the Unites States” a felony subject to fines and prison terms. The article ends by suggesting that “the 47 Senate Republicans [should] bone up on the American legal system before lecturing others on its meaning.”

UPDATE 2: An official petition urging charges be filed against the letter signers for violating US law has passed the 100,000 signature threshold, which means that it should get an official response from the White House.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some hot water this week for saying that he served in the military’s Special Forces when he never did. It gets even worse when you find out the place he actually served was Old Navy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some people are saying Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O’Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama vetoed the Keystone pipeline yesterday. Everyone expected him to do that, but Republicans say he vetoed the bill only because their party was in favor of it, while Obama said, ‘That’s what you guys have been doing for how many years?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“John Boehner said yesterday that President Obama’s veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a ‘national embarrassment.’ And then, out of habit, Joe Biden said, ‘Here!'” – Seth Meyers

“According to a new poll, the value of baby teeth is skyrocketing, up 25 percent from last year. In the U.S., the tooth fairy left a total of $255 million last year. The Vikings believed that children’s teeth had magic powers that would help them fight in battles. This explains why there are no more Vikings.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Selma

James Fallows has a good reaction to Obama’s speech in Selma Alabama on the occasion of the 50th anniversary of “Bloody Sunday”. Fallows thinks it may be the best speech ever given by Obama, and I would not easily disagree.

Here’s one quote from near the end of Obama’s speech:

That’s what America is. Not stock photos or airbrushed history, or feeble attempts to define some of us as more American than others.

We respect the past, but we don’t pine for the past. We don’t fear the future; we grab for it. America is not some fragile thing. We are large, in the words of Whitman, containing multitudes. We are boisterous and diverse and full of energy, perpetually young in spirit.

Fallow’s article is a good review, but you should watch the whole (30 minute) speech:

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False Economy

Yes, today is the day that we all “spring forward”. The theory at least is that we are lowering our use of energy. Indeed, they do call it “Daylight Savings Time”, and it isn’t daylight we are saving, it is (supposedly) energy. With the high cost of energy, that could be a good thing.

Except that there is almost no evidence that DST saves any energy at all, and even some studies that show that it wastes energy.

Even if once upon a time DST saved energy — by not requiring people to use home lighting until one hour later in the summer — the advent of air conditioning more than cancelled out that savings. After all, air conditioning uses far more energy than lighting.

DST can also be bad for us. One study showed that on the Monday immediately after DST starts, heart attacks increase by 25%. In addition, traffic accidents increase, probably because of losing an hour of sleep.

So why do we keep doing it? I’m a pragmatist. Even if DST once helped save energy, it is an idea whose time has come and gone. As an article in The Atlantic puts it, DST is now wasteful, unnecessary, and even dangerous.

But for now, please be careful out there Monday morning.

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Late Night Political Humor

“New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there’s no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. I think they did this years ago. That’s how the Palin kids ended up with those names, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That’s how safe it is.” – Seth Meyers

“Alaska does have some special rules. You’re not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can’t just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Boston’s city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion.” – Seth Meyers

“The White House announced that many Obamacare customers got the wrong tax information and may have to refile their taxes this year. It’s pretty inconvenient — mainly just remembering what you lied about the first time you filed your taxes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He’s just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat.” – Seth Meyers

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Discriminating Discrimination

This is a new one. Republicans have introduced a bill that prevents states from discriminating against religious organizations that discriminate. So if a faith-based organization discriminates against someone (because of their religious beliefs), then the state can’t discriminate against that organization by reducing funding to them.

It was bad enough when the “religious beliefs” of companies (like Hobby Lobby) trumped the religious beliefs of their employees. But now religious organizations can discriminate against the people they are being paid to serve, and the states can’t do anything about it.

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Fractured Flickers

As a sign of how fractured the Republican party has become, a Republican group called the American Action Network (with ties to the House GOP leadership) is funding advertising against sitting Republican Congressman Louie Gohmert. The ads say:

Global threats against our security are increasing … and some in Washington are playing political games with our national security. Tell Congressman Gohmert: Fund Homeland Security.

Gohmert voted against funding DHS, saying that any funding resolution must include language that restricts President Obama’s immigration executive order. So in effect, the Republican group is advocating for Obama.

Will wonders never cease?

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Late Night Political Humor

“How many of you watched the Oscars last night? And how many of you are still watching it?” – Seth Meyers

“I don’t want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from ‘Boyhood’ just moved into a senior living facility.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t want to say the Oscars ran long, but the best picture Oscar was awarded on ‘Good Morning America’.” – Seth Meyers

“All I could think of all day yesterday while watching all of the Oscar-related shows was how much I miss football.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The ratings for last night’s Academy Awards hit a six-year low. So few people saw the Oscars that it’s been nominated for an Oscar.” – Seth Meyers

“The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.'” – Conan O’Brien

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Alien-Nation

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Dan Perkins is a genius.

I absolutely cannot believe that our national media was obsessed with what Rudy Giuliani said, about whether our president loves our country. Seriously? It is the kind of thing 12-year-old kids would argue. Wait, it actually is!

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Late Night Political Humor

“Sunday is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It’s the time of year when all the biggest movie stars get together and try to piece together what happened after they blacked out at the Golden Globes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.” – David Letterman

“I heard that this year’s Oscar nominee gift bags are each worth over $167,000 and include items like free luxury car rentals and a stay at a five-star hotel in Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where we get an AOL CD and two loose Twizzlers.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to [National] parks for a year. You can tell kids don’t get outside enough, because the last time they saw a sunset they said, ‘Hey, there’s that thing I saw on Instagram.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?” – David Letterman

“Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.” – David Letterman

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Disintermediation

One of the wonderful things about the Internet is that it promotes disintermediation, also known as “cutting out the middlemen“. This can happen for more conventional products, where websites like eBay directly connect sellers and buyers.

But on the Internet, the primary product is content: music, video, information, opinion, etc. And net neutrality is a boon to both creators and consumers of content. Not so long ago, someone who wanted to create a TV show had to sell it to one of three networks, who acted as gatekeepers. Later, they had to sell it to a cable channel.

Likewise for movies. If you were an aspiring director the gatekeepers were the movie studios. If you were a musician, the gatekeepers were the record labels. Once upon a time, the TV networks, movie studios, and record labels were the heart and soul of Hollywood. So it is marvelous to see that Hollywood is cheering the new FCC net neutrality rules.

Net neutrality is a boon to writers, actors, musicians, and other content producers. New outlets like Netflix, Amazon.com, and YouTube “have sparked a surge in entertainment jobs that has helped drive employment in Hollywood to the highest level in a decade.”

Don’t underestimate the tectonic size of the shift in media consumption brought on by the Internet, even for more traditional content. For example, around 70% of the audience for the NBC show “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” watches it online. This makes the audience larger, because viewers can watch it when and where they want (rather than sitting in front of a TV set at 11:35pm when it airs).

The people who will benefit the most from net neutrality are the next generation of content producers, who have turned directly to the Internet as a way to reach consumers. For example, Christopher J Smith, who created an innovative faux documentary series that is distributed online, says “There’s no reason that anyone that creates content should be filtered by a fast track or a slow track. The Internet, when it’s the open platform it was designed to be, allows for a sense of equality — and for folks like me, ownership — that is not the norm in Hollywood.”

Another content producer makes a show that is distributed directly on YouTube. “I didn’t need anybody’s permission. You can make stuff, put it online and go directly to an audience.”

Net neutrality is also good for diversity, making it easier for Latino, Black, and Asians to create content and reach consumers. For example, the National Hispanic Media Coalition began lobbying five years ago for net neutrality. “We were unhappy in how we were underrepresented and stereotyped on the traditional media networks. We saw the Internet as a tremendous tool to share our stories and help organize our community for social justice.”

The Nib

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Kicking the Can

For people who thought that Congress couldn’t get any more disfunctional — you were wrong. As the Daily Beast put it:

It used to be that Congress was broken, and was forced to repeatedly kick the can down the road. Now it seems that Congress can’t even properly kick the can down the road.

The first few steps happened as they have in the past, but with a new twist. As they did when they didn’t control Congress, Republicans attached some bizarre demand to an almost completely unrelated bill that had to be passed, just daring the Democrats not to pass it.

In this case, what remains of the GOP Tea Party faction is incensed that Obama is not immediately deporting every last illegal immigrant out of this country, even though kicking out over 10 million people (3.5% of the US population) is not just a virtually impossible task, but also one that would severely damage our economy (not to mention our landscaping!).

So what does the GOP crazy wing do? They threaten to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) unless Obama gives in to their ultimatum. Yes, they are willing to sacrifice the security of the US in order to piss off Latino voters (the people who Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Jeb Bush desperately need to court for the presidential election).

Never mind that while US Citizenship and Immigration Services is part of DHS, it is almost completely funded by fees from its users, so defunding DHS would have no effect at all on deporting illegal immigrants (if anything, lack of funding would make it more difficult).

So Congress tried to kick the can down the road for three weeks. Three measly weeks, and they couldn’t even do that. In the end, with less than two hours to go before DHS funding expired, they managed to punt the issue for seven days; then they have to try again.

Instead of rebuking Obama, it was Speaker John Boehner who was embarrassed as conservatives in his caucus once again showed how little control he has over the far-right Tea Party faction in the House.

Even Republicans are disgusted.

Republican Sen. Mark Kirk called for an end of “attaching bullshit to essential items of the government.” And Rep. Peter King, former chairman on the House Homeland Security Committee, slammed a potential lapse of DHS funding as “wrong politically” and “wrong morally.”

Meanwhile, during the next seven days we will have the spectacle of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu speaking before Congress as part of his re-election campaign. So if you thought that now it can’t get any worse, you are still going to be wrong. Very wrong.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.” – David Letterman

“The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment’. Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.” – Conan O’Brien

“Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.” – David Letterman

“Gallup, the polling company, released its annual well-being index where they rank the health and happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It’s interesting that the top two happiest states are the ones that are farthest away from the rest of us.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Neutrality for the Win!

Today, the FCC made two important decisions that will have a profound effect on the future of the internet.

Most widely reported is their vote to reclassify the internet as a telecommunications service under Title II of the communications act. The immediate impact is that telecoms cannot charge extra for internet “fast lanes”. All traffic must be treated equally, which is the whole point of “net neutrality”.

Title II allows regulation of prices of telecommunication services, but the FCC has explicitly promised that they will not do this for broadband service.

Also today, the FCC voted to allow public broadband providers to compete against commercial internet providers. This allows cities to provide municipal broadband networks for their citizens, and overturns a bunch of state laws banning local governments from building or owning broadband services.

Personally, as someone who makes his living from the internet, I think these two decisions are VERY good news. In my opinion, the telecoms have done a terrible job providing fast internet to US citizens. The FCC decisions are a good balance between limiting the monopoly powers of the telecoms while leaving the internet free enough to continue to innovate.

Not surprisingly, the vote at the FCC split precisely down party lines.

UPDATE: Bloomberg has a good article about the issues. Also includes a good quote from Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, who attended the FCC meeting and afterward said that the FCC action is “an indication that the people can sometimes win. This is a victory for the people, the consumers, the average Joes.” And indeed, if you look at the companies supporting the FCC decision, they are innovators like NetFlix and Twitter, while those opposed are the old-guard monopolies like AT&T, Verizon, and Comcast.

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