Political Irony

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he’s running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, ‘I’m gonna run anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.” – Conan O’Brien

“Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says ‘Ted Cruz 2016’, those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.” – Seth Meyers

“Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The first known candidate to enter the presidential race in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It’s not a great thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, “It’s important for me to reach out to the people I’m trying to deport.” – Conan O’Brien

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd?” – David Letterman

“People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, exactly 50 percent of Americans view President Obama’s presidency as a success. While the other half of Americans are actually candidates for the Republican presidential nomination.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While he was discussing U.S.–Israeli relations yesterday, John McCain told Obama to quote, ‘Get over your temper tantrum, Mr. President.’ I didn’t even know Obama could get mad.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chelsea Clinton is here tonight. Chelsea’s here to promote the “Serve a Year” campaign. A lot of celebrities do this. They serve a year, sometimes less with good behavior.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he’s quote, ‘the worst president of my lifetime, without question.’ Then Cheney said, ‘But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“During an interview with Playboy — that’s right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can’t tell me Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren.” – Seth Meyers

“Everyone’s busy filling out their March Madness brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he’s running for president because his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, ‘And while we’re at it, is there any way they can reduce the ‘being president clock’?” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, ‘Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.” – David Letterman

“Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.” – David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It’s especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?” – Seth Meyers

“During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, ‘The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.’ Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, ‘No it’s not’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of ‘The Bachelor’.” – Conan O’Brien

After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin appeared today in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means — a boob job. And we’re going to find out quick because that guy doesn’t wear a shirt a lot.” – Seth Meyers

“Some people are still angry about the letter written by Republicans to Iran. It’s also not helping that they said, ‘Dear Iran or Iraq, we can never keep you two straight.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. I wouldn’t worry. Nobody’s going to believe the guy who works at the pizza place when he says, ‘Hey, you know who came in today? The Pope.'” – Seth Meyers

“Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails.” – David Letterman

“Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.” – David Letterman

“There is controversy surrounding Obama’s appearance on the show. Monday we announced the president would be here. This morning I got a letter from 47 Republicans telling me not to sign any deals with him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future — wait a minute, that’s me.” – David Letterman

“I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.” – David Letterman

“They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the ’90s, and they’re studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. ” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.” – David Letterman

“Clearly the situational ethics of this country’s leadership is easy to catalog, but the real takeaway from this seems to be no matter how evil our president or our Congress believes Iran to be, they would each rather deal with the ayatollah than each other.” – Jon Stewart (on 47 Republican Senators sending a letter to Iran about a nuclear deal)

“The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.” – David Letterman”

“Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.” – David Letterman

“This is a very big week for us here. Tomorrow night on our show we get a visit from President Obama, which means that all of you here tonight just missed having to get a cavity search to get in here tonight.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Manny is with us now. Hey, if you come back tomorrow we won’t need the Secret Service to protect President Obama. You can do it with your fists alone.” – Jimmy Kimmel

There’s some kind of a thing where when [Clinton] was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.” – David Letterman

“So the Florida Department of Environmental Protection can’t use the term ‘climate change’?” That’s like telling Rudy Giuliani he can’t use the word ‘9-11.’ ” – Larry Wilmore on “The Nightly Show”

“Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see any more beady-eyed little weasels, I’ll just keep riding the subway.” – David Letterman

“Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.” – David Letterman

“Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.” – David Letterman