Political Irony

“The Department of Defense unveiled a new policy that will let undocumented immigrants serve in the military. Is it me, or does that just sound like a sneaky way to get rid of immigrants?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he is resigning after five years with the administration. Obama said, ‘Wait, you can do that?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Attorney General Eric Holder said today that he will resign after five years in office. When he heard about this, President Obama said, ‘Oh, he’s my ride. I gotta go.'” – Seth Meyers

“They’ve had security problems at the White House. Last weekend a couple of guys hopped the fence and ran in. One guy got all the way in and made himself a sandwich.” – David Letterman

“White House security problems won’t happen anymore. They’ve decided that at night — it doesn’t make any difference what’s going on – they’re locking that front door.” – David Letterman

“Security is so tight now that they’ve asked members of Congress to circle the White House – because that way nothing will get past.” – David Letterman

“Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that’s not true, and those reporters should please change what they said.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today Russia announced that it will join America’s fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, ‘But I did not say which side.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bill Clinton said that riding wild horses in Mongolia and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro are on his bucket list. When asked what was on her bucket list, Hillary said, ‘Come on. Don’t make me say it. You know what it is.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that’s going on in the world, I’m surprised he didn’t salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other.” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he’s got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It’s all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, ‘Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee’.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut.” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It’s not the first time Obama’s done something like this. Remember that time he said The Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they’re going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says ‘Blockbuster Video’.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes.” – David Letterman

“President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. ‘Yeah just call me, you know, if I’m around. It’ll be fun.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s quite a responsibility for the president to address the U.N. Yesterday he spoke on climate change. Today he spoke on terrorism. And tomorrow he talks about how to buy real estate with no money down.” – David Letterman

“In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another ‘Sex in the City’ movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there’s only so much they can take.” – Conan O’Brien

“The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?” – Jimmy Fallon

“The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It’s expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget — $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie ‘Gravity’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations to India. They were able to keep the mission’s costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we’ll have the first call center on Mars.” – Jimmy Kimmel

[political jokes taken from episodes of “The Simpsons”, collected by Daniel Kurtzman]

“Fox News: ‘Not Racist, But #1 With Racists'” – a new logo for Fox News

“Fox News: ‘Unsuitable For Viewers Under 75′” – a new logo for Fox News

Bart Simpson: “Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”
Grampa Simpson: “I figured because the democrats were in power again.”

A mock FOX News crawl: “Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. … Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. … Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. … Dow down 5000 points. … Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. … JFK posthumously joins Republican Party. … Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple. … Dan Quayle: Awesome.”

“Ironic, isn’t it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.” – Mr. Burns

“An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?” – Barney Gumbel

“Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?” – Homer Simpson

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.” – Homer Simpson

“I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.” – Ned Flanders

Todd Flanders: “Daddy, what do taxes pay for?”
Ned Flanders: “Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ’em!”

In the Simpsons episode “The Day the Earth Was Stupid” (a spoof of “The War of the Worlds”) two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation:
“The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,” one alien says. “You said we’d be greeted as liberators!”
“Don’t worry, we still have the people’s hearts and minds,” the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain. (Watch video clip)

“This doesn’t happen in America. Maybe Ohio, but not America,” – Homer Simpson (after being thwarted by an electronic voting machine in his attempt to vote for Barack Obama)

Mr. Burns, convening a meeting at the Springfield GOP Headquarters: “Welcome fellow Republicans. To start on new business, brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.”
Hibbert: “All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagan. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan.”

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: “Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There’s just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle-aged indiscretions?”
Mr. Burns: “Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?”
Krusty: “Russian hooker, you tell me.”
Burns: “We’ll say you were on a fact finding mission.”

Reporter: “Welcome to Fox News, your voice for evil. Tonight we’ll be interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield’s 24th congressional district. For the Republicans, beloved children’s entertainer, Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats, this guy.”
Armstrong: “I have a name.”
Reporter: “Yes, I’m sure you do comrade. I do appreciate you’re being here, you’re usually so mired in sleaze, it must be an effort to come down to the studio.”

“Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.” – Homer Simpson

“Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!” – Lisa Simpson

“My piggybank is not entitled to TARP funds.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag)

“The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan’.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag)

“I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag). This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the subliminal message claim during the campaign, in which the word “RAT” briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned.

“I am not the acting president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which aired during the legal contest over the results of the 2000 presidential election

“The president did it is not an excuse.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

“No one cares what the definition of ‘is’ is.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to Bill Clinton’s famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

“I am not smarter than the president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), referring to President George W. Bush

“I will not buy a presidential pardon.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

“I will not scare the vice president.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition

“It’s potato, not potatoe.” – Bart Simpson (chalkboard gag), poking fun at Dan Quayle’s infamous misspelling of potato

“During President Obama’s visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama actually told the student, ‘No I was born in 1961.’ Then the kid said, ‘Where?’ Then Obama said, ‘Uh, next question’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During a speech this week, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient’, just hours after he apologized for using another term that offended Jewish people. The White House calls Biden’s remarks ‘unfortunate’, while Obama calls them ‘a welcomed distraction’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the ‘Orient’, and also offended Jewish people. Which means he’s one ‘pull my finger’ away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is my 40th Birthday. And I’m not the only one having a birthday. This week, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley celebrated his 81st birthday by going on a 6-mile run. Seriously? I just got winded walking out here from backstage.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Islamic State is releasing its own ‘Grand Theft Auto’ style of video game. In their version, the worse crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.” – Conan O’Brien