Political Irony

“Missouri Governor Jay Nixon apparently sent the National Guard to Ferguson without letting the White House know first. When he heard he was left out of such an important decision, Obama said, ‘Holy crap, I’ve been Bidened!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Egypt’s foreign ministry called on the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Man, talk about living in glass pyramids.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Disneyworld has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through It’s a Small World and deport most of the dolls.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry, what a good-looking guy he is. As a requirement for being a Republican candidate for president, you have to look good in a mug shot. I hope this doesn’t ruin his chances of being our next dumb president from Texas.” –David Letterman

“Texas Governor Rick Perry has been charged with two felonies. Yesterday, after he got his mug shot, he went out for ice cream – or, as Mayor Rob Ford calls it, multi-tasking.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie says he believes in Rick Perry’s honesty and integrity. Then, he said, ‘Pass me some of that ice cream!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honest to God, how many of you — other than losing a bet, how many of you would go to have a meal at Anthony Weiner’s restaurant? Plus it’s a drive-thru. You pull your car up, you roll down your window, and you scream your order right into his fly.” – David Letterman

“Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton. He turned 68 today, or as he calls, ‘one away from the fun one.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary yelled surprise, and out of habit, Bill yelled, ‘I can explain.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton is returning to Iowa next month for the first time since her failed presidential run in 2008. Hillary denies just being there for politics. She said, ‘I love Iowa for their … OK, I’m running for president.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Analysts say that President Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton’s advice for years – which is why we’ve yet to see him in a pantsuit.” – Conan O’Brien

“‘Meet the Press’ has fired host David Gregory and hired another guy, Chuck Todd, to host. To me, if your name is Chuck Todd, it might as well be David Gregory. Todd Chuck, Gregory David, it makes no difference. They’re all interchangeable.” – David Letterman

“Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney’s office unless she stepped down. He’s now the most controversial governor in the country – which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rumor has it that Texas Gov. Rick Perry badly wants to run in the next presidential race. You can tell Perry’s behind it because they’re starting to make signs that says ‘Perry 2017’.” – Conan O’Brien

“It looks like Rick Perry’s chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as Hillary put it, ‘One down, four more to go’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Obama was on a two-week break with his family and had to cut it short by two days, had to go back to Washington. I’m thinking: you spend two weeks with your family, you’re going to need a two-day break. Am I right?” – David Letterman

“A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don’t use up all their vacation days. While the rest apparently loaned them to President Obama. He’s on vacation again!” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. You know why? Vice President Joe Biden had locked himself out of the White House.” – David Letterman

“Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, ‘You sure man?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“David Gregory, a longtime newsman over at NBC news, is no longer the host of ‘Meet the Press’. He took over for Tim Russert, and now they just booted him. They just kicked him right out the door. He’s following a trail I blazed at NBC.” – David Letterman

“David Gregory is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd, which indicates to me that in order to host that program you have to have two first names.” – David Letterman

“A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it’s bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This week a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, ‘Been there!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I’m not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House says President Obama won’t make any major announcements during his brief trip back to D.C. this weekend. Reporters said, ‘Isn’t THAT an announcement?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Oh this isn’t good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, ‘Are you sure this isn’t something a seven-dollar bill can’t get me out of?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back. He’s opening a new restaurant that will specialize in healthy local food. It’s the first restaurant with a sign on the door that reads: ‘No Shoes, No Shirt, No Pants, No Underwear, No Hats …’ It just keeps going. It’s a long list.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. So, whatever you do, don’t ask to see the special.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama’s foreign policy a failure. She either wants to be a president or a Fox News anchor. We’re not sure.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama announced last Thursday night that the U.S. would begin air strikes in Iraq. So in a way, it was the ultimate throwback Thursday. ” – Seth Meyers

“The U.S. Postal service has lost $2 billion this spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen.” – Conan O’Brien