Political Irony

“Politics: ‘Poli’, a Latin word meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.”

“Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently — and for the same reasons.”

“The Second Amendment: It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”

“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’”

(On Canada) “You are a big country. You are the kindest country in the world. You are like a really nice apartment over a meth lab.”

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

“A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.”

“Obama, which is an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, God bless us.”

“Where did they get Sarah Palin? . . . Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Posh Spice? It’s like she came from some reality show — ‘Project Running Mate’.”

(On George W. Bush) “People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.”

On the end of the George Bush presidency: “It’s the end of the reign of George the Second. The reign of error is over. America is officially out of rehab.”

(On immigration after Sept 11) “The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’”

(On the American economy) “And you can’t blame the economy on [George W. Bush]. They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That’s like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise.”

(On Osama bin Laden) “We can’t find him, but he’s a 6-foot-5 Arab on dialysis. Call me crazy, but look for a guy connected to his luggage.”

“My only hope is when those terrorists get to heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution.”

“When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, “Can I use a lifeline?”

“You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.”

“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!

[Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman at About.com]

© Ruben Bolling

“Tonight is our 100th episode. To celebrate, people sent us flowers and a big cake – which I immediately passed on to Rob Ford and Chris Christie. We couldn’t have done it without them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, we’re not the only ones celebrating. President Obama turned 53 years old today. Obama blew out his candles and made a wish. But when he opened his eyes, he was still president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It is our president’s birthday. It’s also the birthday of NASCAR champ Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon and President Obama are very different, of course. One’s a guy who spent his whole life turning left and is hated by NASCAR fans. And the other one? Jeff Gordon.” – Craig Ferguson

“Happy birthday to President Obama. He turned 53 today, if you believe the birth certificate.” – Seth Meyers

“Happy birthday to President Obama. He turned 53 today, according to his birth certificate. The truth is he’s actually 55 years old but Congress blocked his last two birthdays.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is turning 53 while his face and hair are turning 68. Congratulations to all three of them.” – Seth Meyers

“Tonight President Obama blew out the candles on the gluten-free broccoli and carrot loaf from Michelle, and then cried himself to sleep. She did let him smell a piece of cake.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Congress wanted to surprise President Obama on his birthday so they passed a bill.” – Seth Meyers

“Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to sue President Obama for abusing his executive powers. Experts are calling this a meaningless political stunt that’s a huge waste of taxpayer money, while Congress is saying, ‘Yep. That’s what we do.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The House voted 225-201 to sue President Obama. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Congress actually passed something.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?” – David Letterman

“Congress will take the whole month of August off. From what, exactly, I don’t know.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They’re taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing.” – Seth Meyers

“When Congress adjourns for the summer. It’s a tradition that dates back to a time when Congress actually did things.” – Bill Maher

“Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock.” – David Letterman

“Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sometimes you wonder about these guys in Congress. Are they there at all?” – David Letterman

“A new study says that Republicans are more religious than Democrats. But I don’t think that includes President Obama praying every day for his term to end.” – David Letterman

“Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that despite her age she does not plan on retiring and is likely to remain on the court for a while – after which she was immediately traded to the New York Knicks.” – Seth Meyers

“North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country’s culture. It’s the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I read that PETA is now saying they’ll pay off people’s water bills if they agree to go vegan for 30 days. Or in other words, you can get PETA to pay off your water bill if you can lie for 30 days.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is facing criticism for accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign commercial. In response, people said, ‘No biggie — I gave him a fake number, anyway.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize.” – Jimmy Kimmel