Political Irony

“Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn’t say after that game? ‘If you don’t give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the fucking NFL.'” – Jon Stewart (on Republicans shutting down the government over their opposition to Obamacare)

“As of now we still don’t know whether Congress is going to vote to shut down the government. However, it looks like they still might burn it down for the insurance money.” – Arsenio Hall

“Tonight I will be covering the end of the government in a must-see TV event: the finale of Breaking Gov. Yes, tonight the United States government ends. Oh, it has been a hell of a ride folks. What a dramatic arc. It started out as a highly sympathetic character in the 1770s, but in 230 seasons has become an egotistical, self-destructive maniac.” – Stephen Colbert

“Well, last night we got to see how ‘Breaking Bad’ ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.” – Jay Leno

“In one final burst, ‘Breaking Bad’ character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Midnight tonight is the deadline for Congress to pass their budget for the year. And if they don’t, things shut down – which is bad because we need to keep the government working so they can continue to not do things on our behalf.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They’re going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You’re not getting in. They’re going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They’re closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum.” – David Letterman

“Yeah, money is tight right now in Washington. In fact after 128 years, the National Aquarium in D.C. may have to close because it’s running out of money. Officials say they plan on relocating all the fish to another aquarium nearby – then the fish were like, ‘Hey, isn’t that a Red Lobster?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama gave a speech today suggesting that this is kind of a hostage situation. But the Republicans who came up with the idea said they’re not holding America hostage, and if he bothered to read their ransom note, that would be perfectly clear.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won’t be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn’t blinked since the last shutdown.” – Jay Leno

“Both sides are blaming each other. Republicans are pointing their fingers at Democrats, Democrats are pointing their fingers at Republicans. And Americans are pointing the middle finger at both of them.” – Jay Leno

“If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he’s not the problem.” – Jon Stewart (on Republican complaints that Obama was willing to negotiate with Iran and Russia but not Republicans)

“Now, I’m not sure how politics works, but I’m pretty sure if the government shuts down it means that we don’t have to pay taxes. I’m just kidding, Wesley Snipes … that’s a joke … pay your taxes.” – Arsenio Hall

“Our government may be shutting down in a few hours. So, folks, get ready for absolutely no noticeable difference.” – Conan O’Brien

“Do you care that the U.S. government’s shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly.” – David Letterman

“Since 1976 there have been 17 government shutdowns. The longest was during the four years that Jimmy Carter was president.” – Jay Leno

“Even if the government shuts down, Americans don’t care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory.” – David Letterman

“If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay – so more bad news for Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“If there is a government shutdown, most of the White House staff will be sent home. Which means there’ll only be nine guys whose job it is to keep Joe Biden away from the president.” – Conan O’Brien

“All this drama is very confusing to all the hookers in D.C. They don’t know whether they have to go to work tomorrow either.” – Arsenio Hall

“Diplomats from around the world have been spotted at strip clubs all over New York City while they are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Things got pretty weird when the diplomat from Iran tried paying for his lap dance with goats.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Interestingly, polls show that most Americans say they don’t like Obamacare – but they love what’s in it. It’s like the opposite of a McNugget.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that’s what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it.” – Bill Maher

“This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus — he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.” – Bill Maher

“Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of ‘twerking’.” – Bill Maher

“Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss’ ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I’m not sure what Cruz’s speech was arguing for, but I’m guessing legalizing weed.” – Seth Meyers

“Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, ‘Where is Kanye West when you need him?'” – Bill Maher

“Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn’t, it wouldn’t even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid.” – Bill Maher

“Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment October 1. Because you know the old saying, ‘If you can’t beat them, kick the ball into the woods.'” – Seth Meyers

“The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It’s like saying to someone, ‘Put your baby back on the phone’.” – Bill Maher

“Did you see Obama today, talking about talking to the president of Iran on the phone? For the first time since 1979 we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.” – Bill Maher

“Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It’s just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.” – Bill Maher

“Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square yesterday for twerking. And still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren’t exceptional.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is now making his case for raising the debt limit. He said raising the debt limit does not increase debt. You know, like raising the speed limit does not increase speed.” – Jay Leno

“There’s a new issue of ‘Cosmopolitan’ that explains Obamacare to women. The article is called ’10 pre-existing conditions to drive your man crazy.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, has been tweeting with a stripper in Oregon. He’s a bachelor so when this news broke, he had to hire somebody to stand next to him and look humiliated.” – David Letterman

“The post office wants a three-cent stamp increase to 49 cents. They say fewer and fewer people are using the post office and they’re losing money. See, that’s government thinking. Only the government would think, ‘Hey, I know how to attract more customers. Let’s raise the price.'” – Jay Leno

“The post office just can’t get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan — uninvent the Internet.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Treasury Secretary Jack Lew just sent a letter to Congress, telling them that the government will run out of money on October 17. Congress said, ‘Then why didn’t you just send an email instead of buying those expensive new stamps?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I’m telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn’t it?” – David Letterman

“Well, that’s easy for you to take that kind of physical risk – you’ve got government health care.” – Jon Stewart (on Ted Cruz speaking for 21 hours)

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand – at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and be treated for exhaustion by Obamacare.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At one point Ted Cruz takes out ‘Green Eggs and Ham’. He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss.” – David Letterman

“Ted Cruz read “Green Eggs and Ham” aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah’s couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, ‘This is pretty fucking good’.” – Jon Stewart

“Tea party Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate. During his protest, Cruz actually read from the book ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ by Dr. Seuss. Democrats were like, ‘When will this end?’ But then Chris Christie said, ‘When do we get those eggs and ham?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In his effort to try to stop Obamacare, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke for 21 hours and 19 minutes nonstop. That’s impressive, but still eight hours short of the record held when somebody asked Joe Biden, ‘Hey, what’s new?'” – Jay Leno

“In the end after 21 hours of railing against Obamacare, Cruz ended up voting the same way as all other senators. His speech didn’t accomplish anything. But it was a big event for C-SPAN – so big that they’re planning to run it again as a special over the weekend.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“21 hours of listening to Ted Cruz. How awful is that? Still not as bad as 21 hours of a Carnival cruise.” – Jay Leno

“Despite all of the controversy, President Obama says he’s still moving forward with the healthcare law. In fact, the White House announced that residents of Florida will have 102 different insurance options when Obamacare rolls out. That’s because if there’s one thing people in Florida love, it’s a confusing number of options.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Breaking Bad” airs its final episode on Sunday. It’s about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare.” – Jay Leno