Political Irony

“The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can’t take yours until I’m done. I know you’re upset, but we’re both at fault here, so let’s negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win.” – Stephen Colbert (explaining the GOP shutdown strategy)

“Every one of those offers is a compromise from the Republicans’ original offer: having Mitt Romney be president. But – surprise, surprise – Obama wouldn’t negotiate on that, either.” – Stephen Colbert (on Republican claims that they are willing to compromise)

“House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn’t been invented?” – Jay Leno

“The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn’t coming and raised twice as much money.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.” – Jay Leno

“A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, ‘Are you SURE I wasn’t born in Kenya?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don’t want to do – like running the government.” – Jay Leno

“Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A man in Montana’s dog ate five $100 bills he had lying on the dresser. The guy collected his dog’s droppings in the yard, took out the pieces of the bill, sent them to the Treasury Department with a note, and the Treasury sent him a check for $500. Isn’t that refreshing, to see Washington paying for crap from us rather than the other way around?” – Jay Leno

“Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, ‘Discrimination is just wrong’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congress this week failed to agree on a budget deal, which led to a government shutdown, the first since 1995. So basically, the government shuts down every time Arsenio (Hall) gets a TV show.” – Seth Meyers

“Because of the government shutdown, the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado is facing a toilet paper shortage. Giving new meaning to the phrase ‘you’ve got a bogie on your tail’.” – Seth Meyers

“Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It’s exhausting watching you try maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You’re like ‘Seinfeld’ if there were 30 Kramers.” – Seth Meyers

“Winner: the Tea Party. It’s always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You’re like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power.” – Cecily Strong

“Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that’s a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it’s 59 percent, that’s like the real news saying it’s 3,000 percent.” – Seth Meyers

“Loser, the Obamacare website, which had technical issues all week because of too much web traffic. You can’t campaign on the fact that millions don’t have health care and then be surprised that millions don’t have health care. How could you not be ready? That’s like 1-800-Flowers getting caught off guard by Valentine’s Day.” – Cecily Strong

“Winner: Canada. Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada.” – Seth Meyers

“This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government.” – Bill Maher

“Happy TGIF – which stands for ‘The Government’s in Foreclosure.'” – Jay Leno

“Shutdown, I’ve got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it’s just a ‘government slim down.’ And they’re also calling school shootings ‘class size reductions’.” – Bill Maher

“At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage.” – David Letterman

“A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that we was involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner.” – Bill Maher

“This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican Party is like the corpse in ‘Weekend at Bernies’ and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.” – Bill Maher

“The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, ‘We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don’t even know that is.’ Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs.” – Bill Maher

“This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, ‘Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there’s anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it’s the guy who lost to Barack Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn’t want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, it’s the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?” – Jay Leno

“I feel bad for Obama. He’s trying to be a good guy through all of this, but he’s starting to think that white people are just lazy.” – Bill Maher

“Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn’t work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare.” – Bill Maher

“One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, ‘Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'” – Bill Maher

“Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you’re Frank Sinatra’s son.” – David Letterman

“A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, ‘Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress.” – Craig Ferguson

“Republicans don’t want to shut the government down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don’t worry – while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here’s the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn’t shut down, but ours has.” – Jay Leno

“We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full ‘Ironman’ sequel per day. We could be up to ‘Ironman 7’ tomorrow.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn’t doing anything.” – Jay Leno

“Most people think the IRS is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed?” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is taking advantage of the government shutdown. It was announced earlier today that he has furloughed his mother-in-law.” – David Letterman

“This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: ‘You’re on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don’t care.'” – Jay Leno

“Disneyworld said that it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don’t have any geniuses.” – Jay Leno

“We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.” – Jay Leno

“The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don’t recall giving you the day off.” – Craig Ferguson

“To be honest, I didn’t notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Right now more than 800,000 government employees are no longer getting paid. Don’t worry. Every single member of Congress still gets paid. You are right to hiss and boo, my friends.” – Craig Ferguson

“There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, ‘The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I want the names of the idiots who elected these people.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.” – Jay Leno

“Even the NSA is out of business. And while they’re closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.” – David Letterman

“The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi.” – Conan O’Brien

“Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker.” – David Letterman

“The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts.” – Conan O’Brien

“At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That’s a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that’s open every day.” – Craig Ferguson

“The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here! What are we doing here? Shouldn’t we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The U.S. government has shut down so I think it will probably be best if you folks in the studio audience spent the night here.” – David Letterman

“The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who’ll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They’d devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems.” – Craig Ferguson

“After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won’t get fixed, public employees won’t be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult – but there will also be a lot of differences.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn’t that the problem, that there’s that many non-essential employees?” – David Letterman

“How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?” – Jay Leno