Political Irony

“The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos.” – David Letterman

“Folks, it’s one week before the election, and Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected.” – Stephen Colbert

“Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee’s employee of the week.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter.” – Stephen Colbert

“Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show.” – David Letterman

“The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they’re able to restore the scent of urine. That’s why I’m calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves.” – Stephen Colbert

“Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.” – Jay Leno

“I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn’t ring the bell, didn’t knock on the door. I said, ‘Who are you supposed to be?’ He said, ‘I’m an undecided voter.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama canceled the White House Halloween party. He canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as ‘Slutty Joe Biden’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Due to the tough economy, two of the world’s biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they’re only going to publish one book this year – ’50 Shades of Harry Potter’.” – Conan O’Brien

This is brilliant:

“Everybody’s mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park.” – Conan O’Brien

“Economic losses could reach $20 billion. And most of that is in paper towels.” – David Letterman

“I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is the day after Hurricane Sandy, and once again we have no studio audience. We don’t care, we’re still going do a show. I had to come in. I’ve used up all my sick days.” – David Letterman

“I feel like Clint Eastwood – an old guy talking to empty chairs.” – David Letterman

“I don’t know if you guys caught the show last night, but because of Hurricane Sandy, we had to do the show to a bunch of empty seats — or as Clint Eastwood calls that, ‘a full house’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It’s hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey took a pounding. Governor Chris Christie was actually knocked over.” – David Letterman

“We’re still dealing with Hurricane Sandy here in New York. A lot of people on the East Coast don’t have access to Facebook or Twitter. Everybody was like, “How am I supposed to complain about not having Facebook or Twitter if I don’t have Facebook or Twitter?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe.” – Jay Leno

“The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home.” – Conan O’Brien

“Folks back east are feeling the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy — 100-mile-an-hour winds, lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it.” – Jay Leno

“Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over Hurricane Sandy. She said the correct time to panic is if anyone sees her in a rental car. Then you should evacuate the area.” – Conan O’Brien

“We’re in the middle of Hurricane Sandy. So thank you very much for joining us here in the Ed Sullivan Shelter.” – David Letterman

“President Obama said that Americans should take warnings about Hurricane Sandy seriously. So step one: Give it a name other than Sandy. I mean, come on.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Power outages could wreak havoc on Election Day. But don’t worry, Republicans have back-up crooked voting machines.” – David Letterman

“They keep saying the candidates are out making stump speeches. You know why it’s called a stump speech? Because after a candidate is done with his speech, you’re completely stumped as to what he said.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics.” – Conan O’Brien

“A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney’s campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade.” – Jay Leno

“I don’t want to say that was a tough World Series, but today Detroit asked for another bailout.” – Jay Leno

“This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs.” – David Letterman

“It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone.” – David Letterman