Political Irony

“Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on “60 Minutes” last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.” – Jay Leno

“The president’s re-election campaign slogan is “Forward,” which is also his policy on paying for stuff.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, “Obama, please save my home.” To which Obama said, “Hey lady, I’m trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?” – Jay Leno

“A civil rights group said that up to ten million Hispanics could be blocked from voting in the upcoming election because of these changes to the voting laws. Ten million. And that’s just here in LA.” – Jay Leno

“Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he’s just a regular guy like you and me.” – Jay Leno

“A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college.” – Jay Leno

“The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He’s been in America one day and he’s already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more.” – Seth Meyers

“The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband’s presidential campaign, saying, ‘Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.’ In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points.” – Seth Meyers

“Obama came out and said, ‘Hey, I can’t change Washington from the inside.’ I’m not saying what you said isn’t true. I’m saying, why are you saying anything during this Romney tailspin? … Don’t make this hard on yourself – you’re like the criminal that gets away with murder and then starts sending the cops puzzles to figure it out. Also, on a pure entertainment level, don’t do anything to take the focus off the Romney follies – their campaign is getting crazier than the last season of ‘Lost’.” – Seth Meyers

“They taped Mitt Romney explaining his positions in a roomful of rich scumbags, I’m sorry, I meant heroic job creators. And he said 47 percent of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And he said, ‘My job is not to worry about those people.’ You know, where do people get the stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating cocksucker?” – Bill Maher

“This tape is like so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect Mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there’s a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. It’s like if Republicans had a tape of Obama where he was reading Karl Marx with a highlighter while forging a birth certificate and getting blown by Cleopatra Jones.” – Bill Maher

“Even Republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They’re very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly.” – Bill Maher

At this point he kind of has to own it. His new campaign slogan is: ‘Get out of my sight, America, you make me sick.'” – Bill Maher

“A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family.” – Craig Ferguson

“I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan.” – Jay Leno

“It’s gotten so bad for poor Mitt Romney that Tim Pawlenty – he was the co-chair of Mitt’s campaign – he resigned. Isn’t that kind of the ultimate sign that your campaign is in trouble, when Tim Pawlenty is afraid you’ll make him look like a loser?” – Bill Maher

“It’s been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. I think the technical term is ‘jumping ship’.” – Jay Leno

“New documents show that Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney’s advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he’s not going to vote for himself.” – Conan O’Brien

“Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not ‘presidential’. Vice presidential, sure. That’s Joe Biden territory.” – Jay Leno

Polls show Obama is now pulling away Mitt Romney. What could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It’s called, ‘Least we can do’ — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney’s campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can’t do it, and he’s got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that you can’t change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?” – Jay Leno

“Obama has gone from ‘Yes we can.’ to ‘I’m sorry. No one can.'” – Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“Newsweek has a new cover story titled ‘Muslim Rage.’ Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek.” – Jay Leno