Political Irony

Maureen Dowd has a hilarious column pretending to be post-mortem debate practice for Obama on what he should have said in the first round. The whole column is worth reading, but here’s an excerpt:

Opponent: I want to take that $716 billion you’ve cut and put it back into Medicare.

Obama: The $716 billion I’ve cut is from the providers, not the beneficiaries. I think that’s a better idea than cutting the exact same $716 billion and replacing it with a gift certificate, which is what’s contained in the plan that’s named for your running mate.

Opponent: Pre-existing conditions are covered under my plan.

Obama: Not unless you’ve come up with a new plan since this afternoon.

Opponent: You doubled the deficit.

Obama: When I took office in 2009, the deficit was 1.4 trillion. According to the C.B.O., the deficit for 2012 will be 1.1 trillion. Either you have the mathematics aptitude of a Shetland pony or, much more likely, you’re lying.

Opponent: All of the increase in natural gas has happened on private land, not on government land. On government land, your administration has cut the number of permits and licenses in half.

Obama: Maybe your difficulty is with the words “half” and “double.” Oil production on federal land is higher, not lower. And the oil and gas industry are currently sitting on 7,000 approved permits to drill on government land that they’ve not yet begun developing.

Opponent: I think about half the green firms you’ve invested in have gone out of business.

Obama: Yeah, your problem’s definitely with the word “half.” As of this moment there have been 26 recipients of loan guarantees — 23 of which are very much in business. What was Bain’s bankruptcy record again?

Of course, to see how it should be done you could watch Jon Stewart and Bill O’Reilly debating.

“For tomorrow’s debate, President Obama’s advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are ‘bin Laden’ and ‘dead.’ That’s it.” – Conan O’Brien

“I understand they are going to have ‘fact checkers’ standing by — just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.” – Jay Leno

“Are you going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?’ – Jay Leno

“The first debate is tomorrow night and I heard that the Obama campaign is a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the president watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The debates begin tomorrow night and we’ll see Mitt and Ann Romney. Of course, you remember them as the stars of TV’s ‘Dynasty’.” – David Letterman

“Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.” – Jay Leno

“I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on ‘Jersey Shore’, not both.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, ‘If there are any angels in heaven, they’re all nurses.’ Then Biden said, ‘Of course, maybe they wouldn’t be in heaven if they’d had better nurses.'” – Conan O’Brien

“At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, ‘The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.’ Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.” – Jay Leno

“Michelle Obama won Family Circle’s bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn’t she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She’s contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.” – Craig Ferguson

“Ann Romney’s entry into the bake-off was something called ‘M&M Treats.’ Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I’m like, ‘Oh, no, that’s her husband.'” – Craig Ferguson

“There seems to still be sexism in politics. You still see candidates objectified. I’m talking about you, Paul Ryan – with your great abs and suspiciously good marathon times.” – Craig Ferguson

“In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper’s son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Jimmy Fallon

Steve Martin has created one of the most eccentric political endorsements ever:

“The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine.” – Conan O’Brien

“The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It’s unfathomably complex, like string theory. You’d have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth.” – Stephen Colbert

“Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there’s a ringing endorsement.” – David Letterman

“The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, ‘Get in.’ … Just get in. And it puts the lotion on its body.” – Stephen Colbert

“Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s book is out today. Arnold’s book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That’s why it’s a million pages long.” – Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was on ’60 Minutes’ promoting his book. He said you can’t run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad.” – Conan O’Brien

“The part of the book everyone’s going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn’t think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English.” – Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on ’60 Minutes.’ He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren’t official because the couples couldn’t understand what Arnold was saying.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to ’60 Minutes’ last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can’t run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!” – Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney’s campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn’t earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Can prayer save this election? Picking Paul Ryan was certainly a hail Mary.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can’t wait to see Romney’s appearance on BET.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest Quinnipiac, New York Times, CBS, TCBY poll has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. I don’t get it. How could Romney be behind? He’s so popular, fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches.” – Stephen Colbert

“God is three undecided voters: the father, the son and the holy spirit. You gotta figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair, and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is so confident that he’s thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again.” – Jay Leno

“At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent.” – Conan O’Brien

“Let me tell you how crazy Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL’s replacement refs.” – Jay Leno

“Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own.” – David Letterman

“A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that’s going to fix our economy?” – David Letterman

“I lost the Emmy. Speaking of losing – Mitt Romney.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mitt is out now riding on a bus. I think it’s his first time riding on a bus. He’s trying to show the world that he’s s regular guy, and he’s taking a bus tour. It’s just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt’s bus, the brownies are brownies.” – David Letterman

“Republican parties don’t last long once the black guy shows up.” – Stephen Colbert

“At a concert the other night, Madonna promised fans that she will strip naked if President Obama is reelected. Is it just me, or does that sound like an endorsement for Mitt Romney?” – Jay Leno

“Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials — you know “the most interesting man in the world” — he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s ‘stay thirsty my friends.'” – Jay Leno

“Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, ‘Look at these crowds!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The U.N. has opened up. Leaders of countries from all over the world have come here. They have diplomatic immunity so they can do stuff and get away with it. It’s like Lindsay Lohan.” – David Letterman

“The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here. He hates Jewish people, he hates gay people. And I thought, well, he’s come to the right place.” – David Letterman

“Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, ‘I bet this guy’s always in a bad mah-mood.'” – David Letterman